Baby Blue
by Delirium's Child
Summary: Complete. Stephanie has the threat of gang retribution and her relationships or lack thereof with Ranger and Morelli to deal with when her sheltered baby cousin shows up in the middle of the night, bringing with her a whole new wave of excitement...
1. Default Chapter

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Baby Blue

Disclaimer these are Janet Evanovich's characters, and her world. I'm just playing with them. I'll put them all back where I found them, good as new...

_Note:_my very first attempt at Plum fan fiction. And I haven't written anything in 2 years. So be gentle. And I have no idea where this is going, either.Baby Blue

_By UFOBet you never thought  
that time would go so fast.  
Bet you never thought  
a memory would last.  
Is it wrapped up in boxes  
With your fashion crazies,  
Packed all away with life's scars and grazes?  
  
Hey baby blue,  
I still remember you,  
Still remember you  
In my life.  
Hey baby blue,  
Where you running now,  
Where you running now,  
In your own life?  
  
Going round  
And round and round  
In my little world.  
Going round  
And round and round  
In my little world.  
  
Every time I saw your face  
there was magic in the air.  
I see a sunny San Francisco morning-  
baby you meet me there.  
Sometimes I'm left wondering,  
Sometimes it makes me so blue,  
Let me take you down to Mexico  
'Cause I'm still in love with you.  
  
Every time I get to thinking,  
Thinking of you  
Under a sweet corrella.  
Does it burn you too?  
And if sometimes I wonder when,  
When sleep don't come at night  
I still move and I groove  
and I jump and shout…  
oh God I'm still in for the fight.  
  
Hey baby blue,  
I still remember you.  
Don't leave the world behind,  
leave the world,  
leave the world behind  
  
Solo  
  
Going round  
And round and round  
In my little world.  
Going round  
And round and round  
In my little world.  
  
Hey baby blue,  
I still remember you,  
still remember you  
in my life.  
Hey baby blue  
where you running now,  
where you running now  
in your own life?_

Prologue

It had been a very long night. Another ultimatum from Morelli, a strained dinner with my parents, and then a distraction job with Ranger and company. Is it a bad sign when the high point of the evening involves a group of former Special Ops guys, a particularly seedy bar, a massive and uncooperative drunken red neck, a couple rounds of gunfire, and Batman?

I thought so.

All I wanted to do was to take a shower and crawl into bed for the next three months. No such luck. We were still in the parking lot when my cell phone rang. I stared blankly at the number showing up on the LCD. What in the hell? Why would she be calling?

Cautiously, as if I was afraid the phone might develop fangs and chomp my ear off, I flipped it open and answered it. "Hello?"

"Steph?" gushed a familiar voice.

"Haley?"

"Oh thank god! I need help, cus. Major help. I'm at the Trenton airport."

"WHAT?! What are you doing there?! What happened? Are you ok? Hurt?"

The Merry Men were staring. Ranger lifted an eyebrow. "Problem babe?" I nodded.

"Can you come get me?" Haley's voice caught. She was about to cry. Oh shit. Bad things.

"Um... Ranger, could we swing by the airport. It's an emergency."

He looked at me blankly, but if it had been anyone else I would have said he was curious. "No problem."

"Haley? Still there?" Sniffling. "Ok. Just sit still. Deep breaths. What gate are you at?" She took a moment, finally locating a sign. Ranger had turned and we were heading toward the airport. I hung up, telling her that if anything happened or anyone came towards her she should call me again. Shit!

"What's up, Bombshell?" Tank asked.

"My baby cousin is at the airport. She is supposed to be in Illinois."

"Quite a side trip," Ranger commented. I rolled my eyes. He had no idea.

"She's getting ready for her wedding next month." I sighed. "This isn't her! Haley just turned twenty, she's never left home, she's never done something like this..." I sighed. I just hope she isn't pregnant.

Tank choked on a laugh. Guess I wasn't so quiet about that last bit.

"Cold feet?" he suggested.

:"No. This is the last place she'd go- she hates Jersey. Cold feet she would have gone to her dad's place..." Hell, Haley wouldn't run here period. New Jersey was the antithesis of everything Haley Thorne knew and loved. Haley's mother had moved to Illinois when Haley was a baby, and they only came back for the infrequent family reunions. From what she'd told me, they lived a quiet life revolving around school, the country club, and her stepfather's job as chief of police in the small town. Haley was about garden parties, ice cream socials, horseback riding, and dance lessons. Jersey was about Atlantic City, low-level mafia, and smog.

So why on earth had Haley taken a red-eye flight to Trenton? Something would have to have been very wrong. Maybe her step dad was a crooked cop, maybe she was being stalked? A violent ex had shown up?

Ranger had barely shifted the SUV into park before I was out the door, running for the building as fast as my 3 inch FMP's would allow. If something happened to her on my watch, her parents would kill me. I skidded to a stop, drawing stares from a couple of the security guards. Guess they didn't usually see a lot of women around here in cocktail dresses this time of night. They stared, I looked around frantically for a sign of my cousin. Finally I caught sight of her. Fashionably rumpled cargo pants, docs, silky chemise, great tan, petite... and curly light brown hair highlighted to achieve a beachy sun streaked look. Yup. I had her.

"Haley!!" I yelled, picking up speed, then barely managing to make a controlled flop into the seat next to her.

Tearful blue eyes met mine, a sniffle, and then a whole-hearted sob, and she was crying into my shoulder. Vaguely I wondered how the slinky blue dress would stand up to the supersoaker tear ducts of my favorite cousin. "Come on, Sunshine," I used a childhood nickname, hoping to distract her. "It can't be that bad?"

She took a shaky breath, and straightened up to look at me. "Oh god, Steph, I'm sorry. But- I didn't know where else to go! I just... couldn't breathe."

I hated to break it to her, but if she couldn't breathe in rural Illinois, she was really gonna be suffocated in Jersey. I noticed Tank and Ranger had crept closer, though they were keeping a respectful distance. Cowards. I rolled my eyes at them before looking back at Haley's tear stained and yet, annoyingly, still adorable face. What I wouldn't give to look like that after a crying jag... But first things first.

"Let's get out of here, pixie," I said, tugging her to her feet, and putting my arm around her shoulders and steering her out the doors. "We'll figure this out. Come on, you need to meet my ride." I couldn't help but smile. "They might make you feel better..." Haley just looked confused as we stood up, and I walked her toward the two hulking males. Comprehension dawned fairly quickly and the confusion died a quick and painless death.

"Ranger, Tank, I want you to meet my cousin, Haley Thorne." I couldn't help it, I grinned at the look on Tank's face.

"Oh jeez, there's two of them!" he gasped.

Ranger smiled, the full 1000 watt smile. I glanced at Haley to make sure she wouldn't melt where she stood. Nope. She was holding her own. Barely. Best to distract her.

"Haley, this is my mentor and friend, Ranger Manoso and his right-hand guy Tank."

Even a Ranger-induced hormone surge couldn't beat out those country-club manners, I reflected as Haley smiled her pageant-girl smile and offered a perfectly ladylike handshake to each of them.

Two huge men in full SWAT gear, obviously dangerous, and my cousin was saying, and I quote: "Mr. Manoso, Mr. Tank. I'm pleased to meet you finally. Stephanie has spoken highly of you both."

Ranger shook his head. "Just Ranger and Tank, Ms. Thorne. Street names," he said as they shook hands.

"Cool," Haley said, looking confused again. "Just Haley, then." I had to give her credit, most girls would have fainted at Ranger's touch, and she had just put together an entire sentence. Sort of.

Holly didn't even look phased when Tank's massive paw enveloped hers. "You gentlemen look like you've had an eventful evening," she looked over at me as well, "I apologize for interrupting-"

"You aren't interrupting, pixie." I told her with a smile. "We were just heading home. Come on, let's get going."

Tank still looked as if he just knew something was about to explode, and Ranger looked amused. "This way please," he said, leading the way.

"So, where's the ring?" I asked as we reached the doors.

"Huh?" Haley stared at me for a minute. "Oh. That thing." She rummaged in her purse for a moment, finally retrieving a small jeweler's box, and thrust it into my hand with distaste she normally reserved for arachnids and bats.

I flipped the lid. And stopped in my tracks. This wasn't a diamond. This was a sparkly boulder. "Geez! Can you even lift your hand when you've got this on?"

Holly sniffed. "Barely. I hate wearing it."

Even the men had given her a funny look at that comment. "He isn't...' I searched for the words, "mean to you or something?"

"What?" Haley looked aghast. "No, he isn't abusive. I just... I hate that ring. It's so..." She waved her hand airily, "gaudy. I just wanted something pretty, you know? I didn't want a freakin' boulder, but mom said I just had to have one bigger than Tammy or Aunt Brenda." Haley looked disgusted. "Never mind if it looks tacky and stupid when I wear it." I was speechless. I had never heard of any female declaring any gem stone too large.

And then we were climbing into the car, Ranger and Tank up front, us girls in the back.

I finally found my own voice. "Spill, Haley. No girl runs away from this!" I waved the diamond at her. "What happened?"

Haley gave me an appraising look, then looked carefully at our two escorts, probably weighing her options. "Dom came back," she said finally. "Among a few other things."

I knew who Dom was. He was one of her best friends, someone she regarded as a brother until a couple years ago when he moved to the West Coast and they lost touch. That didn't explain the panicked flight. Unless... Dom was back and she had dumped her fiancé- this looked straightforward enough.

I guess I had given her a fiercer look than I thought, because Haley paled like she'd seen a ghost. "It isn't what you think! I swear!" she whispered.

The boys glanced back at us. I kept my eyes locked on Haley. "Uh huh. You're dumping Mr. Diamonds for Dom?" I asked in disbelief. Haley was not someone I would have pegged as a two-timer.

"No! I just... I... Dom came back and Alec got all mean and angry and he wouldn't listen! Then my parents started yelling, and no one wanted to hear the truth! It isn't Dom, it isn't anyone. It's just that nothing fits and I couldn't stand all the yelling and I got scared and I couldn't think and I came here and... you believe me, right?" she finished it all in one breath, then looked ready to start the waterworks again. I had experience with Haley's crying jags. Haley could cry for days, even a week sometimes if it was bad enough. I was definitely not prepared for one of those. There wasn't enough Ben and Jerry's in the entire tri-state area for that.

"I believe you. Just... don't cry. I dealt with you after cheerleading tryouts, I am not about to tackle this one!" I sounded desperate to my own ears. I heard a chuckle from the peanut gallery. I shot them the most withering Burg glare I could muster.

"I'm not, I promise. No crying." She gave me a shaky smile.

"Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough," I said without thinking. "I've got plenty at home. And Oreos and peanut butter." The smile got a lot bigger.

Haley laughed. "Nail polish?"

I rolled my eyes. "Please! Do you know who you're talking to? And," I held up a hand to stop the next question, "I have Top Gun and Practical Magic." I gave her a quick hug. We were pulling to a stop out front of my apartment building. "We'll get it solved."

I handed her the ring back, she put it in the purse, and we sat staring out the windows, lost in our own Zones. After a while, I looked over at her. Haley could have been a shorter, younger version of me. 5 foot nothing, the build of a cheerleader, she was fashionably rumpled in loose khaki cargos, a chemise , docs, oakleys, holding a retro duffel bag; she would have fit into an Abercrombie& Fitch ad, but definitely not a New Jersey airport at 1 am or in an SUV with ex-army commandos.

Thankfully, the car pulled to a stop outside my apartment building just then. I sighed- it was going to be an insanely long night. "Thanks, Ranger. I'll see you all later," I said as I jumped out, followed by Haley.

"It was nice to meet you!" she chirped, giving them her brightest smile.

We rushed across the lawn and into the building, mainly because I was dragging Haley with me. There was a lot more going on than her rushed explanation in the car. A lot more. And I couldn't wait to get the full story.

I love being a bounty hunter for a lot of reasons, but the big ones are: no pantyhose, and setting my own hours. That last comes in very handy, for instance, if you are unexpectedly forced to spend three hours grilling your favorite baby cousin for details on how and why she ended up in the Trenton airport at 1 am.

I drug myself into the shower at 10:30, leaving Haley passed out in the bed, though I did remove the bag of Cheez Doodles we'd fallen asleep munching on. Frankly, I thought, replaying the night/morning in my mind, I couldn't blame her for running here. I would probably have picked somewhere even more remote, like maybe New Zealand, but she had insisted she had needed to talk to me. Seemed to feel that as I had forsaken Burg conventions I made a good role model. I hadn't had the heart to squash her illusion. I'm definitely not a role model for anyone but I could sympathize with her problem- it was eerily similar to my own.

Haley was expected to marry a nice young man and have a nice bright future with a couple nice well-behaved kids, maybe even a nice normal career. Haley wanted to dance, to see the world, and she didn't love the nice young man she was marrying a month from now. Her spidey sense said marrying him when she didn't love him was a bad idea. Mine agreed. And my entire mind agreed when she laid out the full truth- that Mr. Nice aka Alec, had done all but sleep with her best friend. And told her about it, albeit sadly. He had compounded his mistake by admitting he probably would have slept with the girl if she hadn't been a virgin.

I would have been seeing red. I would have hit him with the Buick, backed up and hit him again. Haley, however, hadn't been mad. She hadn't been upset. She hadn't even cared. Was going to go ahead and marry him, because after all he was nice, and he bought her what she wanted and was good in bed and that was what counted wasn't it?. Then Dom had come back, and she had confessed what had happened, and Dom had made her swear not to do it- not to marry him, at least for another couple years. She had promised, but because she had only shown hesitation after Dom had returned and refused to embarrass Mr. Nice-Dickie-Jr, everyone had jumped to the wrong conclusion and insisted on her marrying him while he'd still have her. This was what was bothering her. This was what had caused her to jump on the first plane she could find.

I shook my head to clear it, and began styling my hair into the ever popular "I just had sex" look, because it took time and it gave me time to think about what to say when Haley woke up.

I almost wished she had just had a stalker. I knew how to deal with a stalker. Instead I did my make-up in full Burg girl mode, and tried to think. Hey, some people meditate, some do their make up!


	2. Chapter 1: Advice

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Chapter 1

My name is Stephanie Plum, formerly a lingerie buyer for the now-defunct E.E. Martin, and currently a bounty hunter. I'm not a very good bounty hunter, but I always get my man, and I'm at least better at this than I was at buying lingerie. The only things I'm worse at are cooking, and relationships.

My relationships are always awful, convoluted, and never simple. For instance my on again off again relationship with Joe Morelli, which had begun at the age of six and some how had never passed that maturity level, except for the addition of sex. Then there was my scum bag ex-husband, appropriately named Dickie, whose greatest exploit was buffing our 4-month old dining room table with my the butt of my arch-nemesis Joyce Bernhardt. And most recently, there is Ranger, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, my tutor, my friend, and for one amazing night my lover.

Morelli and Ranger are the two men in my life currently. Morelli is safe, I know him, I know our relationship, I know the patterns and the routines. Ranger is a huge freaking question mark. And lately, Morelli and I seem to be trapped in "an unhealthy pattern" as Ranger termed it, of fighting and breaking up and making up and fighting and more breaking up. We just can't keep it together- we've had this routine for too long. Morelli wants a wife and kids, with me playing the role of June Cleaver. And it's just not going to happen, not for a long time. I want to be Wonder Woman while he wants, and needs, Wonder Wife. I love him, but not enough to give up my life for that future.

Not that my life is that great; I get stalked, beaten up, and threatened on an almost daily basis, but I'm making a difference. I think that should count for something.

Okay, normally, I don't think this much about my relationships this early in the morning, (ok, so it's almost 11 am, but I just woke up and I'm kind of hung over. Give me a break) but my cousin Haley was in an even worse bind, and was going to want my sage advide when she woke up.

I put the finishing touches on my make up, and headed to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine and sugar. I was on my second cup when Haley padded out of the bedroom, yawning. To her it was only 9, so she had a good excuse.

"Hey Steph. Please tell me you left me a donut," she whined.

"Two even."

"I profess my undying love!" She sighed and pounced on the unsuspecting box.

"About last night, pixie," I started hesitantly. "I... um, I really don't know what to say." She looked at me intently, though she kept chewing the donut. "Except that, well, I think Dom was right. I think maybe you need time. Maybe not two years, but it's a good idea all the same. You definitely aren't ready to deal with marriage."

Haley nodded. "I kind of thought so," she replied sadly. "I can't even get jealous. I'm a total failure. Maybe I really am an Ice Princess." I rolled my eyes.

"You aren't an Ice Princess. You just don't love him-" I shook my head when she started to protest. "You care about him. You like him. You don't love him... at least not enough."

She glared at me, but it was half-hearted. "Fine... so what are you doing today?"

"I need to go to the office, and see if there are any new skips."

"Mind if I tag along?"

"I am not taking you out and getting you in danger chasing some stupid criminal!" I told her. "Your mom would put a hit out on me."

Haley laughed. "She wouldn't. She probably doesn't even know what one is. And I just meant to the office. And I was hoping we could go see Great Aunt Edna." Wow, she had to be one of the few people who wanted to see my Grandma Mazur...

"Sure. I'll drop you off with my parents for the afternoon. You might even get to meet Valerie and her girls." I had to grin at Haley's pained expression.

"Valerie's home? Maybe I should help you chase a skip. Or two. You know, ones with weapons..."

"You can't still be scared of her?"

Haley's eyes widened to the size of platters. "She's evil!" I burst out laughing at the utter conviction in her voice.

"And I thought I was the evil one..."

"Steph, you were a hellion and all, but Val," she shuddered, "Val was evil."

"Just because she made you play tea parties and clean things..."

"I think I have psychological scars. I get panicked from the smell of Pledge..."

An hour later we were ready to head out and face the day. Except I had forgotten to mention my current mode of transportation.

"Oh. My. God. Is that what I think it is?" Haley asked, eyeing Big Blue like I usually did deranged psychos.

"Haley, meet Big Blue," I said as calmly as I could.

"Uncle Sandor's Great Blue Beast!" she said laughing. "This is awful! You do have bad car karma," she said, gasping for air between giggles. I rolled my eyes and counted to ten.

"I haven't had time to get a new car," I told her after the suitable interval.

"Maybe we should get that done... this monstrosity cannot be good for your bad ass bounty hunter image," she said, slipping into the passenger seat. No arguments from me.

Thankfully the rest of the trip went by quietly, with only the occasional smirk from my companion.

When we pulled up out front, my eyes locked on the black Mercedes at the curb. Haley was almost drooling over it. "Niiiiice car," she drawled.

"Ranger," I said. "He has a ton of cars. All expensive, new, and black."

"Cool. He's like MIB or something?"

"Or something," I told her as we walked into the lair. Connie looked up from painting her nails, and Lula put down the Vogue she had been perusing. "Girl!" Lula yelled. "Where you been all week? And who's Mini-Me?" Haley was staring at Lula, who was clad in a hunter orange halter top, white capris, white 4 inch stilettos, and nails that matched her top. There were even bright orange and white streaks in her hair.

"I love your top! That color looks really good on you!" Haley squealed, rushing forward to inspect the almost-radioactive nails. "I wish I could pull of that shade of orange... who does your nails? They're fabulous!"

"Lula, this is my cousin Haley," I said while Haley had Lula's hand and was turning it so the rhinestones caught the light. "She just got into town last night."

"Oh," Lula said and grinned. "Mini Me, you gotta go get your nails done by my girl Nonny down the street. She is the best! Always takes her time, and doesn't skimp on the topcoat neither."

Haley nodded solemnly. "It's hard to find a good manicurist, you know." She looked down at her own manicured nails. "I don't wear acryllics too well, but it's still hell keeping nails looking good."

"Damn skippy!" Lula sympathized. "We'll get you fixed up," she added pointing out a chip in Haley's polish. "I could call Nonny right now!"

"Oh wow, really? That would be great!" my cousin gushed. "Do you get your hair done there, too? I really want blue in my hair, but the lady at home is so conservative, she'll never do it."

"Blue would go real well with your complexion," Lula said thoughtfully, "and it'd bring out your eyes too. I'll have Nonny get you a time with Shaniqua too." She was reaching for the phone. I just stared and turned to Connie, seeking confirmation of what I had just witnessed.

Connie shook her head. "Probably she won't take her shopping," she told me. I looked from my Day-Glo friend to my preppy mini-skirt clad cousin.

"Probably Haley would just pass out from culture shock if she did," I said doubtfully. "Any new skips for me?" I asked to change the subject.

Connie handed me some files. I flipped through them. Nothing too hard. Mooner had apparently forgotten his court date as usual, and Eulah hadn't shown up for hers either. The third was one Victor Reilly, arrested for drunk and disorderly... in the company of a goat. Ah, Vinnie's long lost soulmate. I was thankfully distracted from further contemplation by a familiar tingle along my spine. Ranger must be leaving Vinnie's office. I turned to confirm my suspicion. Yep. The man in black was walking out of the weasel's den. I smiled at him. He gave the tiny hint of movement that passed for a Ranger smile.

"Babe," he said softly. "You look tired." I nodded to where Lula and Haley were sitting.

"It was a long night," I said and thought again about Haley's predicament. Ranger nodded, and looked like he was about to say something when Haley, momentarily escaping Lula while she was on the phone, came over smiling brightly.

"Hey, Ranger," she said. "Nice car."

"Thanks," he replied, watching her curiously.

"What do you think Stephie," she turned to me. "Blue or purple streaks?"

"Your mom is going to kill you," was the only thing I could think to say.

"Nah. It's a perk of being an only child. She'll just rampage for a while." Haley paused and looked thoughtful. "My step dad might ship me off to a third world country, but then mom would really be on a war path, so I'm covered," she said dismissing the idea, and turned back to Ranger. "What's your vote?"

"Blue," he said. My jaw dropped. Oh. My. God. Freaking hell! Did Batman just tell my cousin to get blue hair? Ranger looked at my face and grinned. The full 1000 watt grin. And I forgot what I was shocked about. Maybe I should dye my hair blue...

Haley laughed. "Thanks!" And walked back to Lula, leaving me to stare at Ranger by myself.

He shook his head at me, and gently pushed my jaw up with his index finger. "It's not nice to stare, babe," he whispered with a smirk. Then he walked out the door.


	3. Chapter 2: When Haley Met Sally

**Chapter 2** **When Haley Met Sally**

An hour later we were parking behind a bright yellow bus in a quiet neighborhood of row houses that had seen a few better days. After Ranger had left, Lula announced that Sally Sweet and the Lovelies had a gig at a new club downtown so Haley had begged me to meet him, saying it was a perfect time. As usual Haley won. I tried not to feel too nervous as we made our way up to the front door. Oddly I was more worried that Sally wouldn't like Haley than vice versa, probably because Haley had a tendency to like anything bright and shiny, so Sally's fondness for sequins and rhinestones meant she'd love him, but then again... I rang the doorbell.

"Hang the fudge on, people!" I heard Sally bellow from inside the house, a few moments before he swung the door open. He gave a very good melodramatic gasp of shock. "Dudette!" he said happily.

"Hi, Sally!" I yelped as he enveloped me in a rib-crunching bear hug.

"Hey Steph! How the freak are ya?" Apparently the rubber band had had some success, I realized as I glanced at his wrist. Looked like the welts were almost healed.

"Pretty good." I turned to Haley, who was gaping at the tall, hairy, evening gown-clad transvestite. Sally was staring back.

"Wow, dudette! You have a fucking mini-me!"

Haley stomped a delicate foot. "What is with the mini me comments?! We don't look that much alike! And I'm not that freaking short!" Sally shook his head in disbelief.

"Sally, this is my cousin Haley. Haley this is my hero and savior, Sally Sweet," I said, taking Sally's arm and doing my best 'smitten damsel' impersonation. Haley grinned.

"Pleased to meet you, Sally," she said, then paused for a moment before stepping forward and hugging him. "Thanks for saving my favorite cousin."

"Aw, fuck," Sally said looking sheepish. "It wasn't nothing, little dudette." Haley laughed and pulled away. I was just trying not to stare too hard. Where was a Polaroid when you needed one? Abercrombie poster girl hugs cross dressing night club singer. If only the UN worked so well.

"The hell it is! You should have songs written about you and stuff... and where did you get the dress? It rocks!"

"Thanks. There's this fuckin' awesome shop down on Sherman, you ought to check it out." He glanced at my everyday uniform of jeans, stretchy tee, and Docs. "Maybe take your big cus here with you. And you two could drop by Club Underground tomorrow night..."

"I heard about the new gig!" I said. "I was gonna ask if you minded us dropping in to see you," I added, smiling.

"Fucking A, dudette! Do I ever fudging mind?" Sally replied. "I'll tell the crew to let you fuckin backstage and everything! I mean" he added, laughing, "you are my fudging damsel in distress, right? It's like the least I can do." I rolled my eyes at him.

"Yeah," Haley said grinning, "I heard you even beat out Rambo and Supercop!"

"Actually it was Batman and Morelli," Sally corrected her. "Nothing super about that dude," he said dismissively. Sally hates Morelli with a passion, though I've never figured out why, really.

.Haley nodded sagely, as if she understood the sentiment. "You busy this afternoon, Sally? Steph and I were going to go shopping, and I figure you could help us pick out some clubbing outfits."

"Nope. I was gonna work on some seating arrangements for the wedding, but fucking shopping with the Bombshell Bounty hunter and Mini Me is a fuckin' awesome invitation!" Shit! Not that I didn't want to hang out with Sally. After all, I owed him in a pretty huge way, but I hadn't really planned on shopping this afternoon. I had wanted to drop by Joe's place and see if he was calmed down yet. We hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms after that little ultimatum. Actually, I had grabbed my purse and stormed out, calling him a few less-than-endearing terms along the way. I wouldn't have been concerned normally but thinking about Haley's predicament had me thinking about my own and seeing some damned uncomfortable similarities. I needed to talk to him, and soon.

"Um, guys, I was gonna drop by Joe's and..."

"Fuckin A, dudette! That cop ain't worth the time of fuckin' day! This is important- we gotta get you something fuckin hot to wear tomorrow!"

"Damn skippy!" Haley said with an impish grin. I sighed. It was no use. Sally hated Morelli, and I was afraid Haley felt pretty much the same way, if only because of Morelli's similarities to Alec.

"All right, let's go."

"Let me just go slip into something more wearable," Sally insisted, and disappeared to change. I was praying he wouldn't come out in anything with a skirt or heels. As it turned out he chose a remarkably normal pair of khakis and a T-shirt, with a pair of hoop earrings. "We can take my car," he said, dangling the keys. Beside me I heard Haley give a sigh of relief. My feelings might have been hurt if I hadn't agreed with her sentiments wholeheartedly.

I realized on the ride to the mall that it had been stupid to worry about Sally not liking Haley. It turned out that the two of them became fast friends, bonding quickly over their mutual love of the stage, high heels, and all things sparkly. Their bonding also led to terrible revelation: Haley had been to countless bars and a few concerts, but she'd never been to an actual club, so Sally and I decided to take it on ourselves to ensure she had a nice wardrobe to choose from whilst club hopping. Needless to say, this was a very long and involved process, so I didn't make it over to Joe's that night. In fact we barely made it back to Sally's place, where we ordered pizza for ourselves, and became hypnotized by the horror of Lifetime Movies. Haley was sound asleep curled up by Sally before the main character even realized she was pregnant. I made it all the way until she found out that her boyfriend was about to become her stepbrother and was so overcome by emotions that I fell into a deeply troubled sleep.

I dreamed that my father had married Angie Morelli and Grandma Mazur drugged Ranger with Rohypnol to shanghai him off to Las Vegas. I awoke to the complete confidence that I would never ever watch another Lifetime Movie, and the smell of a chocolate donut being waved under my nose. Haley was grinning down at me with an impish gleam in her eyes. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty! Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

"Wha..." I mumbled, grabbing the donut, then sighing in contentment as the chocolate goodness eased my mind and wiped away the horrible images.

"Yeah, all we had to do is ask you a question and you..." her words finally registered. Oh my god! What had I said? What did they ask?! I was going to kill her. I swallowed the last of the donut, gave Haley my best Burg glare, and lunged. Haley's eyes widened and she shrieked as I hit her full force, sending us both tumbling to the ground.

It took a few minutes, but I finally got her in a headlock. She was a lot tougher than she looked! But just as I was going to begin the interrogation, Sally came in to tell us there were chocolate eclairs to be had. "What the fuck?" he asked, seeing the two of us on the floor. "Do I need to get a fucking hose?" he said, with only a half serious face. Chocolate eclairs or a hose? Hm, such a hard choice... The interrogation could wait.

"Sally, you really are my hero!" I said, standing up and leaving my cousin to her own devices. Sally just grinned.

"I got some wedding planning stuff I gotta get done, so just lock up on your way out, ok?" he said. "We start playing at ten! And for fuck's sake, remember the fitting tomorrow!" he added on his way out the door. I shook my head and dove into the eclairs. They were delicious. I sighed as the sugar washed away all my bad feelings toward the world in general. It was a few minutes before Haley joined me.

"Steph?" Haley said quietly. "What if... um, I mean, what if I wanted to stay?"

"What?" I asked absently, swallowing the last of my éclair.

"What if I wanted to stay here? Not permanently, you know, just for a while until I figure things out?"

I stared at her. Stay? Here? In Jersey? Wow, she was even more messed up than I thought. "You serious, Pixie?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I just need to find somewhere to live, and maybe a job or something. And a car." She grinned suddenly. "'Cause, no offense to you, bombshell chica, but the Blue Beast does not at all match my aura, ya know?" I had to laugh.

"We could see if the Rollswagon is available?" I suggested with a smirk. She'd loved the stories I had told her about Dougie and Mooner.

"No. That's quite all right," she giggled. "I don't think that's a good match either."

I stopped at looked at her closely. I don't do roommates- I'd had my share of bad experiences in college, but I honestly didn't mind Haley's presence in the apartment. We both hated mornings, were reasonably messy, and although she paid more attention to health food we had similar eating habits. She didn't snore, and had shown an interest in learning how to do laundry... Besides, I kind of felt responsible for her. "Why don't you stay with me?" I asked without further deliberation.

Haley looked confused. 'But you don't do roommates?"

"Well, you're family. And we get along."

"But you're moving in a few weeks." Crap. I'd forgotten about that. After the Slayer fiasco Ranger had convinced me maybe my apartment wasn't the safest place after all. It was well known and was not secure in any stretch of the imagination, and since there was now a threat of gang retribution, maybe it would be a good thing to move to a more secure location. And what building could be more secure than one that had a staff of security personnel and played home to an assortment of ex-military commandos? Plus I could afford the rent and working more often with the RangeMan crew meant steady paychecks. And, just a few floors above me was the tantalizing thought of Ranger in that big, soft bed... oops. Better not go there. I checked for drool. Nope. I was good. I better answer Haley.

"Well, stay until then. And I'll talk to Ranger about having roommates in the new apartment. I think he'd understand. Probably he'd find it entertaining," I said, adding some sarcasm to the last word. Haley laughed.

"All right. But only if he okays it.... Thanks, Stephanie," she added with a smile. "I really don't feel ready to live on my own yet. It's scary. I don't cook, or do laundry..."

"Speaking of which, Hale, I have to know: how were you going to be a housewife?"

She snorted. "I wasn't. I was hoping to find a job as a web developer or something. Besides, you did see The Boulder didn't you? Alec could afford a maid."

Before I could enter into a discussion on the various perks of being an lady of leisure, my cell phone began singing the Batman theme song. I made a dash for my purse, catching just before it could go to voice mail.

"Yo."

"Hey, Ranger." I debated asking him then and there, but decided against it.

"Got a job for you, Babe."

"What kind of job?"

"Just some surveillance. You up for it?" Ugh. Surveillance sucked. It was like Chinese water torture, minus the water and with Cheese Doodles. But there hadn't been many skips lately and I needed money for a down payment on a new car.

"Of course. When and where?"

"I'll pick you up tomorrow night at eight." Click.

I sighed. Someday someone was really going to have to teach Batman how to say good bye. "Hey, I have to work tomorrow night. You gonna be okay by yourself?" I asked as Haley flopped onto the couch beside me.

Haley looked at me seriously. "You aren't babysitting me anymore, Steph. I'll be fine. I could always call Sally or Lula and see what they're up to."

Oh, god! My cousin, the country club poster child, and she was debating whether to hang out with a transvestite or a former hooker who believed neon spandex to be the only true fashion... Her parents were going to kill me.

"Or maybe I'll land a date for tomorrow with some hottie I meet in the club," Haley said wistfully. I laughed.

"Careful. Club lighting can be tricky."

"Like bar lighting?"

"Pretty much." I glanced down at my cell phone to check the time. "Let's go home, get cleaned up. I have a couple skips I should go look for anyway."

"Look out world," Haley laughed, jumping to her feet.

We had just gotten into Big Blue and I'd turned onto the street when Haley turned in her seat to face me, an unholy gleam in her eye. "So, did Ranger deliver on that promise? Did it ruin you?"

I almost swerved into oncoming traffic. I saw spots dancing in my vision. Omigod!

"Uh, what are you talking about, Haley?" I asked her, correcting my steering and praying I had misheard her.

"You heard me. And don't even try playing dumb. I am the champion of the dumb blond routine- it doesn't work," she said, her eyes narrowed. "Now, spill."

"Umm..."

"I'll let it slip to Valerie."

Oh god. My chest felt tight. She would too, I knew it. "You're evil."

"Not my fault," she said with a laugh. "It's genetic." No point in arguing that one.

"Well, I don't know how to answer the question," I told her honestly as we pulled into my parking lot and I all but jumped out of the Buick. Haley was around the car and had me frozen before I had even gotten five steps. I was trapped in the Cheerleader Death Glare. She simply studied me for a moment, then burst out laughing.

"Oh, Stephie. You are ruined. You just don't know it yet," she said between fits of laughter. I bristled. I was not. I was perfectly in control- I'd even had sex with Morelli since then. Hadn't I? Umm... Yes I had. Oh god. I had to think about it! That can't be good. Morelli sex is wonderful, Morelli-induced orgasms are out of this world, it's just that- that- damn it. It's the shower gel. Has to be the shower gel. And those muscles. And those lips. And that feeling... Shit. Haley was right. The world was tilting at an odd Twilight Zone sort of angle and I was ruined by Batman...

As if sensing my distress, my cousin and tormentor pulled her bags out of the back seat. "Should I wear those new black shoes with the gladiator ties or just some strappy sandals?" Ah. Shoes. Think about shoes. Much better. I can breathe again...

There was a night out to get ready for. Time for shoes, make-up, hair- all those things I could deal with.


	4. Chapter 3: Revealed

****

Chapter 3

I woke up staring at my ceiling. Oh good, I knew where I was. Too bad I also knew there was someone in the bed with me. Shit! I couldn't have done something stupid last night, right? I mean, I had enough male problems running around, I didn't need a new one... I turned my head to see who my sleeping companion was.

Haley was curled up on the opposite edge of the bed, holding a teddy bear I didn't remember seeing before. She looked about twelve... no wonder she had problems getting dates, they probably thought she was jailbait. Then again, I don't remember thinking she was twelve last night... wait, last night... Did I remember last night?

Let's see, I had opted out of picking up my skips and spent an ungodly amount of time getting ready- I had forgotten how much fun it was to have someone else to get ready with- and then we took a taxi to the club at Haley's insistence. She couldn't drive Big Blue and I was probably not going to remain sober, so it was a good idea. Sally was playing. We met up with Lula and Connie... Ah. There was what was causing the distress: Margaritas. Lots of them. We danced. Sally had introduced Haley to the manager. More Margaritas. Then it all became a big happy blur.

I must not have done anything too stupid. Haley was here, and we were both alive. Reassured, I decided to get up. I got as far as sitting upright before I reevaluated my situation and changed my plan to a swift retreat back to bed. Ranger would have been so proud!

The next time I woke up to a resounding crash and a muffled shriek. I sat up, ignoring the wave of dizziness, and pulled my gun off my nightstand. Just what I needed, some psycho stalker breaking in right before I was supposed to move out anyway, and scaring my cousin into a therapist's office... I stalked down the hall cautiously, gun ready, until I caught sight of what had caused the commotion, and I let it sag to my side in relief.

Ranger was helping Haley off the floor. Apparently she'd tripped over one of the kitchen chairs. :"Need to be more aware of your surroundings, kiddo:" he told her. I grinned. Finally someone else for him to lecture! Haley just glared at him. Ranger's lips quirked, like he was trying not to smile.

"You could just be courteous and make some noise when you enter a room," she said before turning to me. "You didn't warn me your friends pick locks!"

"Sorry," I said. "I kind of forget it's not normal." Haley rolled her eyes, and left.

"I'm going to go do something with the nightmare on my head!" she called back. I had to agree- she really did have my hair. I winced and tried not to think what my own hair looked like this morning.

I turned my attention to Ranger. "Why are you here so early?"

"Babe, it's noon," he said, shaking his head.

"Oh." Time flies when you're hung over.

"Just came by to see if you're still up for the job. Heard you had a late night," he looked amused. He didn't even have to add the 'again' part. My social life had certainly picked up with Haley's arrival.

"Yeah, of course I am," I told him. I couldn't believe he'd think I'd welch out! "I need to pick up Mooner and Eula today... and what time were we going?"

"Eight thirty," he said, still watching me closely. I fidgeted.

"Sounds good. Where are we..." I trailed off as he stepped closer. I took a deep breath and instantly regretted it as his scent swept me away. Bulgari and Ranger- the combo is as good as bottled pheromones. I looked up into his chocolate eyes and what was left of my sanity flew completely out the window. He leaned down and brushed his lips to mine. Normally Ranger kisses are powerful, passionate, take-no-prisoners, but this was soft, just his lips against mine. It was gentle, if that word can ever be applied to Rambo, and it was heaven. His arms wrapped around me, and I never wanted this to end. This was bliss.

He pulled away, eventually, and I wanted to cry. "Jesus, Babe," he whispered, resting his cheek against my hair. I took some comfort in the fact that he seemed to need a recovery period too. Then he stepped away and was out the door before I could say anything. Probably for the best. I think I might have begged him to take me to bed then and there if he had stayed. Before I could really think about what I might have done, the phone rang.

Crap, probably my mother wanting to know where the hell I've been. I let the answering machine get it, and rifled through the fridge, looking for something edible. I nearly banged my head on the shelf when Sally's voice came through the speaker. "Fucking A, dudettes! Get the hell up! Haley, chica, Julian said he's free at three. I think he's fucking gonna give you that job! Call me, ok?" And he hung up.

A job? At a nightclub? Her parents were going to kill me. Maybe I should ask Ranger to ship me off to that Third World country. It would be a hell of a lot quicker than what her mother was going to do to me. Marie Thorne-McAllister's temper was a thing of legend, even by Burg standards. The phone rang again. It was probably my mother. It might be Haley's mother. Nope, no way in hell was I answering that thing any time soon.

"Stephanie?" My mother's voice called. "Why haven't you brought your cousin by to see us yet?" she demanded. "I'm making leg of lamb tonight, and double chocolate cake. Try to get here a little early." Click. Well there were tonight's plans.

I still had to pick up Mooner and Eulah, which shouldn't take that long. Then I could swing by the office, get my checks, and take Haley to her interview... then dinner with the family, and a stakeout with Ranger afterward. Ugh. Haley was out of the shower, and rifling through her suitcase and the numerous shopping bags from our excursion with Sally. "Sally said Julian is free at three. He, uh, thinks he's going to give you the job." Haley dropped the shirt she was holding.

"Omigod! That is so awesome! I'm gonna be a waitress," she laughed. "Well, maybe. I shouldn't get my hopes up, right?" She paused, then paled considerably. "How am I gonna get there?"

"I'll take you. I just have to go round up a couple of my skips. Want me to drop you by the office so you and Lula can compare notes on last night?"

Haley jumped to her feet and hugged me tightly. "Thanks, Steph. I'll so make this up to you, as soon as I have a car. Wait! We both need a car- we should go get cars tonight!" she suggested car buying like Mary-Lou would suggest shoes. I sighed, my head was aching again and I really didn't feel up to thinking it all over right now.

"Sounds like a plan to me," I said. "But for now: it's shower time." I took my turn in the shower, and decided after several frustrating minutes to follow Haley's lead and just stuff the 'nightmare on my head' into a ponytail. I got into my usual uniform of docs, jeans, and a stretchy tee, then did some small amount of make-up to cover up the exhaustion from the night before.

Haley apparently was feeling a little rough herself, having had several more daquiris than I had cared to count. In her defense, she had been ordering them 'virgin' but apparently the bartenders felt she needed a bit more of a pick-me-up. They had never even carded her. She was wearing a pair of baggy cargo jeans, white tank top, and white chunky tennis shoes that added couple inches to her height. Come to think of it, I hadn't seen Haley in shoes that didn't make her at least that much taller... must be a short girl thing. She shoved a white newsboy cap on her head, added her Oakleys and looked at me expectantly.

"All right. Let's go," I sighed. "But we need to stop by Mickey D's. I need a hangover cure."

Two large cokes and super sized fries later, we pulled up to the office. And my head still hurt, and I still felt a little queasy. What the hell had we done last night?

Connie and Lula were both in the office, looking a little worse for wear. Lula was kneeling by the filing cabinets, looking a little pale, and Connie was slouched over her desk, head on her arms. "Hey, girls!" Haley said brightly, keeping her voice a little quiet. She was having a headache like the rest of us, I guessed.

Connie mumbled something to her desk. Lula moaned and dropped the files she was holding into an unceremonious pile in the general vicinity of the filing cabinets. She must have been feeling like hell- she was in monochrome brown, for the first time in a very long time. Brown skin, brown hair, brown miniskirt, low heeled brown sandals, lighter brown top- even brown lipstick. She sank onto the couch.

"I ain't never had margaritas like that," she muttered. "Those weren't no ordinary margaritas. Them were suicide margaritas." Haley sighed.

"You didn't drink margaritas all night," she said. I blinked. This was news. We always drank margaritas. "Somewhere in there you all started drinking those test tube drinks they were taking around." Ah. This explained the hangover that wouldn't die.

"Shit, Mini Me, you shoulda stopped us," Lula said accusingly.

"Right. Like anyone can stop you three when you're drunk and determined."

"Mfimfmsunear," mumbled Connie.

"Huh?" I asked her. Without moving her head, she wiggled her right arm. Ah, a couple files were sitting on the edge of her desk, I ambled over and picked on up. "Is Vinnie in?" I asked.

"Not no more," Lula said smugly. "Tol' him if I heard so much as a peep outta that weasel I was gonna bust a cap in his ass. He musta believed me, cause he didn't make no noise till he snuck out the back to go see Joyce. On account of today being his 'therapist session' and all." Yuck.

I looked back at the file I was holding. Clarence Atwater stared belligerently back at me. No neck, squashed nose, muscles on top of muscles, beady black eyes shaved head. Big, ugly, and probably mean, then again if I were named Clarence I would have had an attitude problem too. I checked his stats: Wanted for breaking and entering, several counts of aggravated assault, and manslaughter. Hm, this must be Ranger's pile. I put Clarence back where I found him, and picked one from the other pile.

Dougie's contentedly dazed mugshot stared back at me. Oh good! I could snag two jailbirds with one trip! I looked for the rest of my pile. Apparently Dougie was it for me. Oh well. Ranger could have Clarence.

Today had to be the easiest day I had ever had as a bounty hunter. I found Eula on her usual corner, and all it took was a Hershey bar and ten bucks to convince her to ride downtown with me. Then came Dougie, because he was due in tomorrow. I came in toward the end of a Bewitched retrospective, so I lounged around with him, eating Cheese Doodles until the final episode. Then it was a quick trip to the cop shop, miraculously avoiding Morelli twice in a row, and voila! Stephanie was now $1200 richer. Go me!

The fact that I had been into the police station twice without seeing Morelli worried me though. I hadn't spoken to him since the ultimatum he'd given me the night Haley had shown up. He'd demanded I give up my job or him. And after a day like today, with my confidence on high, I really didn't see his point... just thinking about him felt like taken what Mooner would have called 'a most serious downer.' Maybe Sally and Haley had a point.

No, I loved Morelli. I just didn't love the way he wanted to keep my locked up in a house 'for my own safety.' I wanted to be Wonder Woman. He needed Wonder Wife. Ick. Let's stop thinking about this. I looked at my cell phone. Two o'clock. Time to go get my baby cousin and see if she was waitress material.

Club Underground was located in an old restaurant that dated back to Prohibition. The club was in the basement where the bar and dance hall had been hidden in those days, so patrons had to walk around to the back to get in, as I remembered from our visit the night before. We followed the path we had taken and found the club empty except for the scattered employees mopping and rearranging the chairs. We both looked around lost.

"See Julian yet?" I asked Haley. I couldn't remember the guy in the least, but I thought she had been sober when they were introduced.

"Yeah," she nodded at a man by the bar. She took a deep breath and looked at me expectantly.

I gave her a nudge forward. "He didn't bite last night," I reminded her. She smiled, looking a little relieved, and headed toward him. "I'll wait outside," I said to her retreating back. She nodded but didn't turn.

I looked closer at the man as he greeted Haley. He seemed nice enough: clean cut dark hair, tanned skin, wearing a very expensive suit. I guessed his age to be somewhere in his twenties... thought in this lighting he could have been older than me, and I wouldn't have noticed. He was also flirting, though Haley didn't seem to notice. Maybe someone should talk to her about that.

Later. Right now the sound of chairs scraping the floor was about to drill through my skull. I retreated back outside to wait.

The sudden spill of sunlight nearly blinded me. Cursing under my breath and rushed back around the building and all but dove into Big Blue for my sunglasses. Much better. I relaxed against the seat and did a little people watching.

I guess I dozed off for a minute, because according to my phone, an hour had passed. There were several people headed toward the diner across the street. It was one of those old fashioned street car types. I had a sudden craving for a burger and a chocolate malt. In an effort to distract myself from the thought of food, I focused on the people who were going in: two smaller guys and one very large linebacker kind of guy. I leaned forward to get a better look at the linebacker- something about him was familiar. Luck was with me, because the guy turned to one of his friends as they got closer, giving me a full view of his face. Ranger's new skip!

I dialed his cell and he picked up on the third ring with the customary, "Yo."

"Yo yourself," I said. "You been into the office yet?"

"Just leaving."

"Did you pick up the new skip? Um, Clarence something?"

"Yeah," he said, sounding equal parts annoyed and curious.

"Good. Then come and get him."

"You took down Atwater?"

"Hell no. But he just went into the diner across the street with a couple of his buddies. The buddies looked pretty scrawny. And they're the only people in the place."

"Where are you at?"

"Club Undergound. They're in... ah, Lucky Lindy's."

"Thanks, Babe." And hung up.

I settled back to watch the diner. Fifteen minutes later a black SUV pulled up behind me, followed shortly by Ranger's truck. I jumped out of Big Blue as Tank and Lester angled out of the Ford Bronco. I'm not exactly sure how if happens, but all RangeMan employees seem to be tall, extremely buff, hot, and yet vaguely frightening.

Tank was six foot plus, dark as night skin, and built like, well, a Sherman tank. His name suited him so well I'd never even heard if he actually had a last name. Lester was almost as tall as Tank, and not quite as Incredible Hulk-esque, but still huge. He smiled at me, and Tank gave a slight incline of the head. I waved back.

Ranger walked toward me, the ghost of a smile on his face. "Forget something in the club last night?" I was wondering whether he really did spray paint those shirts on every morning- I had seen the closet full of them, had even worn one or two of them myself, but even so I still wondered.

"Huh?" I looked up into his eyes. Oops. Big mistake. Warm chocolate eyes... and he tasted just as good as he looked... oh god damn it! What was with the hormones today? "No. Haley's in a job interview right now. The owner's looking for waitresses."

"She staying in town, then?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Not really. Just for a month or so to clear her head and think things through." Which reminded me... "What's the policy on roommates in my new apartment?" Ranger tilted his head. Wow, I think I had just surprised Batman.

"It's up to you, Babe," he said. I sighed in relief. Thank God. I really wasn't sure the world was ready to have Haley unleashed on it.

"Thanks, Ranger," I told him, smiling. "Your skip's friends really are scrawny, you know," yep, I am a master of subtle subject change. He shook his head.

"Not them I'm worried about. Atwater uses 'roids." He looked at me seriously. "Stay out of sight," he said, and then he was gone. I didn't have to be told twice. I got in Big Blue locked the doors just in case, and settled in to watch the show.

Ranger and Lester went in the front, apparently letting Tank handle the back door. The streetcar had nice big windows all across the front, and here wasn't even a glare anywhere at the moment- it was like a t.v. show almost. Atwater was cornered, and tried to shove between Les and Ranger. Ranger's hand moved almost too fast to see, and Atwater was down on the floor. His friends made the foolish decision to help him and leapt on Ranger and Lester, not that they stood a chance. They had to know that, but it didn't stop them.

Ranger and Lester had the two buddies out for the count within a matter of moments, one of them laid out on the counter, the other slumped in a booth, but it was enough time for Atwater to make a run for the door. He made it. Too bad Tank had come around the side of the building, clotheslining him as he ran past. Ouch. That had to hurt. Atwater went down hard on the concrete and lay gasping for air. .

I saw Haley walking out of the club, and got out of the car to meet her. She was so happy she was damn near skipping. She paused to blink a few times, getting her eyes used to the light before she looked around. She took in the black broncos, the RangeMan Swat team, the large FTA being wrestled and cuffed, none too gently, by Tank and Ranger, and giggled.

"Wow! I always miss the fun stuff." I rolled my eyes. If she had been there, no way would she call it fun. Her grin widened. "Guess what!" she said, looking ready to bounce out of her shoes. As if it weren't totally obvious. "I got it! I got the job!" She said, giving into the urge and bouncing like the cheerleader she was. I had to laugh.

"That's great!" I said, right before I was engulfed in a bouncing hug. I gave in and bounced along with her. I couldn't help it: Haley's bouncing had always been contagious.

"I'm gonna be a waitress! And at a totally cool club! And the bouncer guys were really nice, too. Ohmigod, this is gonna be fun!" Finally, we could stop bouncing. Thank god, I was getting winded! Geez, she must have been in killer shape.

I chanced a look at the Merry Men. Just as I suspected they were grinning like idiots.

"I told you, man: Two of 'em," Tank was muttering to Lester. I glared at him.

"Congratulations, Kiddo," Ranger told Haley. She beamed.

"Thanks, Ranger." She turned to look at the rest of the party. "Hi, Tank! Hi person I don't know!" Haley chirped. Apparently her way of subtly asking to be introduced.

"Lester Santos, Ms. Thorne." Lester said, stepping forward and offering her a hand.

"Haley," she told him. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Santos."

"Lester." He said with a wolf grin. She nodded, not looking at all phased by the look. Lester Santos is a 6 foot 4 inch muscular hunk of hot Latino and if he had given me that look I would have been melting into a puddle of hormones, but apparently Haley's hormones were no match for her buoyant mood. Or maybe she just hadn't gotten Grandma Mazur's damned Hungarian genes.

"Cool name!" she said, and turned back to me. "I start tomorrow. I'm really gonna need a car... ohmigod! I'm gonna have car payments!" She squeaked, looking ready to start bouncing again. I just stared at her- dear god, no one in their right mind should ever sound that happy about a car payment. "I've never had one before! This is so cool!"

Ah, youth. "Haley, chica, you need help. Lots of help," I told her flatly.

She stuck her tongue out at me, then grinned. "Let's go car shopping! I know exactly what I want! Come on, and you can get something so you don't have to drive the Great Blue Beastie anymore." I sighed, and tried not to look at the smile I was sure Ranger was wearing.

"You know, Babe, I could just..." he said softly. I turned and glared at him.

"No. I am not going to destroy another one of your cars."

"The Great Blue Beastie?" Tank was looking at Haley as if she'd grown two heads. She giggled.

"That monstrosity of a Buick Stephie's driving," she told him, pointing down the street to where the boat of a car was docked.

"Stephie?" Ranger asked me, wearing the 1000 watt smile. I tried to stay upright. Damn hormones! Don't think about kissing that smile off his face. Don't think about those lips on you. Don't think about- Argh!

Thankfully, before I could do something entirely stupid like jumping Ranger in the middle of the street, in broad daylight, Haley's phone rang. She smiled apologetically at Tank and Lester and flipped it open.

"Dom!" she squeaked, and bounced off towards Big Blue. "You'll never guess what!... No, silly, I got a job. Yeah, as a waitress. No not at Hooters. Like I'd be qualified for that anyway!" Tank and Lester were staring at Haley like she was some sort of new explosive. I turned my attention to Ranger.

"Do you still need me for that gig tonight?"

"Yeah. It's on a..." but I didn't hear whatever he said next, as Haley's conversation drifted back to me.

"So where are you, Superman? Back from a third world jungle? Did you save the world in the nick of time or am I gonna need a radiation suit to match my new outfit?" she paused and laughed. Superman? Third world jungle? What the hell was Dom involved in? "Does tomorrow night work then? I'm free, and I'm dying to hear about the latest conquests. Well, hey, I gotta go be Supergirl and save my cousin from a gigantic blue beast. I promise to tell ya later! Love ya, Superman! Byes!" she flipped the phone closed, and walked back toward us, pausing to watch Lester unceremoniously shove the skip into one of the Broncos.

I shook my head to clear it and turned back to Ranger. "I'm sorry... what did you say?"

The corners of his mouth twitched. "Just gave you the back ground info on the skip, Babe. Nothing we can't go over tonight."

"Oh, ok," I said, still wondering about my cousin's superhero.

"Boyfriend?" Lester was asking Haley. She looked at him in shock, before bursting into a fit of giggles.

"God, no! Dom's my bro. Not literally, he's just my best friend."

"He hang around in jungles often?" Tank asked.

"I don't know, actually. He's a SEAL, does recon and stuff. The jungle thing's just a running joke. By the way, those were some interesting moves you just used on that guy." She paused for breath and peered in the window at the skip. "You know he really might need some medical attention?"

"He'll be fine. Maybe next time he'll be a little more cooperative," Lester told her, obviously unsympathetic to the man's plight.

"They have doctors at the jail," Tank added, with sharp look at his fellow RangeMan.

Haley shook her head. "So where did you learn that stuff, anyway?" she asked.

I didn't hear their replies: Ranger was standing close beside me. I could feel his presence, pulling me into his gravitational field. "I have a feeling my guys are gonna be hanging out here more often." Hm, the Merry Men go clubbing. Might be worth the price of admission.

"Someone ought to warn the bouncers," I said. Ranger smiled.

"Don't worry, Babe. I think they'll have something more entertaining than barroom brawls on their minds."

"That's what I'm afraid of," I sighed, watching the trio in front of us with growing unease. They were definitely flirting, though Haley thankfully seemed to be oblivious to it. Not that I thought Lester and Tank were bad exactly but..."they're so far out of her league..." I whispered.

"I'll talk to them," Ranger said, running his hand down my spine. Mmmm, I arched my back without even meaning to, and his eyes darkened considerably. Ahem. Oops... No playing with Batman. Think about Morelli, Stephanie. Even though he hasn't called you since the fight and the last time you had a civil conversation was sometime before the Slayers... I was staring into Ranger's eyes, and thinking how nice it had been to wake up and get pulled into his arms... Damn it. I forced myself to turn away before I did something completely stupid like trying to kiss him senseless.

"Haley! Let's go find you a car," I called over to her. "See ya tonight, Ranger," I added, smiling. "And thanks."

"Anytime, Babe." Ranger nodded.

Haley waved to him and the Merry Men. "Later days!" she said, as we headed back to the car.


	5. Chapter 4: Of Walruses and Cars

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Chapter 4

We were just pulling into the lot of one of the larger car dealerships in Trenton, when Haley turned to look at me, frowning, her face a little pale. "Ohmigod! I forgot about insurance! How do you get insurance?" I winced, and felt the beginnings of a headache.

"Don't worry, we'll get it taken care of," I said in my best reassuring voice.

"Ok. But... shouldn't we have a guy with us?" I stared at her, and she waited expectantly.

"Huh?"

"A guy. Salesmen are always a lot more truthful if you have a guy with you. Maybe you should call your dad?" On one hand, having my dad here would probably ensure some slight improvement in the salesman's honesty, but on the other hand Dad knew nothing about modern cars, and wouldn't even look at a car that wasn't American.

"Why don't we just try it on our own. Girl power, right?" My cousin's eyes widened.

"No wonder you have sucky car karma," she said and glanced at the door of the showroom. A large man with an even larger moustache was trotting out. "Game face on, cous. The walrus approaches," she muttered and climbed out of the car.

"Good afternoon, ladies. I'm Johnny. What can I do for you?" he asked, smiling. A beached walrus. Haley was good at this.

"Hi, Johnny," I said. "I'm Stephanie, and this is Haley. We're just out car shopping," I said, trying to sound even more clueless than I was.

"For a trade?" He asked, practically drooling over Big Blue. "We don't usually do classic trades, but I think..."

"No trade," Haley cut him off. "At least not for the Buick. What have you got as far as SUV's are concerned? And maybe sports cars, too."

Walrus gave Big Blue one last, lingering leer, and turned back to us. "Right over here, ladies," He motioned to a fleet of Escapes. I had really loved my sunshine yellow Escape. Maybe I should give them another try. While I let Johnny the Walrus list their numerous virtues, Haley wandered off to peruse other, more interesting (by which she meant faster, smaller, and shiner) cars. I was absorbed in Johnny Walrus's excited discussion of dependability and warranty that I nearly jumped out of my skin when Haley bellowed my name at the top of her lungs. Once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader.

"Get over here! I found your car!" She yelled. I shrugged at Johnny and ambled my way over to a bouncing, waving Haley. My eyes traveled past her to the car she was pointing at. Cripes!

"No way in hell, Haley!" I said, glaring at her. Haley beamed and shook her head.

"Yes way. Think about it! It's an Escape, just what you wanted," she said laughing. "It matches your aura."

"Nothing that color matches my aura. Does that color match my aura?" I turned on Johnny Walrus.

"Uh, I, I..." he stammered, looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a MAC truck. No help from there.

"Steph," Haley stepped closer, wrapping her arm around me and turning me to face the nightmare in front of me. "It's a lucky color for you. Think about it. This color has saved your ass, and come through for you. This color drastically improves your auto karmic balance! The fact it is on a car that also meets your auric needs... it's a sign from the powers that be. This car is destined for you." I glanced at her skeptically. She could seriously give Mooner a run for his money, and I knew she was sober. Kind of a migraine-inducing thought, that. Deciding the car was easier to deal with than further contemplation of my cousin's natural high, I looked at it. I stared at it. I studied it.

Haley did have a point. A weird, cracked-out point, but a point nonetheless. Plus, the car was kind of cute... I sighed.

"I'll take it."

As if by divine intervention, a ray of sunlight chose that moment to pierce the clouds. It bounced off the sparkling powder blue hood and dazzled my retinas. It felt like an omen, I just couldn't tell what kind.

It was precisely 6:01 when we arrived at my parents' house, me driving Big Blue for hopefully the last time and Haley following in her new 2002 metallic silver fully loaded Cougar. She had picked out the car after five minutes on the lot, and a quick test-drive. It was quick, curvy, sporty, had a great sound system, and it suited Haley to a T. My own new acquisition was sitting at home in the parking lot. I was probably going to take a lot of shit for it, but I thought it might be worth it, if Haley's astral advice was accurate. Either way, it couldn't hurt to try.

I pulled Big Blue into the garage and watched as Haley eased the Cougar up to the curb. I could still see the look of awe on the salesman's face when Haley wrote the check. I repressed my own moment of jealousy. What would it be like to write a check for a twelve thousand dollar car? Ok so I had written a check for my car too, but my check was significantly smaller and supplied only a down payment.

"Are you sure you have enough in the account?" I asked her quietly as she angled out of the car..

"Of course I do. Why do you ask?" she looked confused. Because you are an unemployed twenty-year old who I'm not even sure finished college, I wanted to say. I didn't.

"Well, that was a lot of money," I said, as we headed for the house.

"Steph," Haley stopped and looked at me seriously. "You seriously don't know about Grandpa?"

Grandpa? My family tree was shady, so I had to process it for a moment. Haley's grandmother was Grandma Mazur's sister, who married Harold Thorne, who had owned a lot of land... with oil wells. Oh. "I forgot about that," I told her honestly and we started moving again. Haley sighed.

"Sometimes I wish I could. Although it did give being an only grandchild some serious perks," she laughed and further conversation became futile as my mother swept open the door and pulled her into a hug.

"What kept you girls? Stephanie, you aren't dragging your baby cousin around on that dreadful job of yours, are you? And why didn't you call us when Haley got here?"

"I'm so sorry, Aunt Helen," Haley interrupted. "I didn't get in until really late, and I've been fighting the worst case of jet lag," she sighed and looked forlorn, somehow magically transforming from bubbly to waif in a heartbeat. The girl was good. Scary, but good. My mother instantly forgot her irritation and hugged her again, then pulled her toward the dining room.

"Catch any baddies today?" Grandma asked, popping up out of nowhere. "Showing your new sidekick the ropes?"

"Haley's not my sidekick! She's already got a job." I said, making my way as fast as possible to the dinner table. I smiled at Dad, who had already taken his seat and was reading the paper. "Where's Val and Albert?"

"The Kloughn just got a client. They're going to dinner to celebrate," Dad said without looking up.

"Where's the new job?" my mother was asking Haley.

"At this new club, called Underground. I'm a waitress," she said proudly.

"A waitress!" my mother repeated. "Do you think they have any more positions for Stephanie?"

"Um, I doubt it ma'am," Haley said. "And anyway, she's such an awesome bounty hunter, why would she be a waitress?" I felt a surge of affection for my cousin. She really thought I was a good bounty hunter. I was definitely never letting her see me work.

Mom sucked in her breath, and excused herself to the kitchen, probably needing a sip of her secret stash. Grandma laughed. "So is it one of them sex clubs? With a name like Underground I bet it is! Do you have to wear latex and carry whips?" Dad choked on his drink.

"Mother!" mom yelled from the kitchen. I felt my eye twitch.

"No," giggled Haley. "I'm sorry to disappoint you Aunt Edna. But maybe on Halloween?"

"So, how are the wedding preparations going?" Mom asked, setting out the pot roast. It was my turn to choke on a drink. Haley went pale, but quickly recovered.

"Actually, Aunt Helen, the preparations have come along fine. Mom hired a wedding planner, so I really haven't had to worry about anything. Except that... I'm not sure there's going to be a wedding." She said the last part at a speed just short of breaking the sound barrier. My mother still caught it though.

"Your poor mother!" she gasped, crossing herself. Grandma Mazur cackled.

"Got another hottie already lined up?" she asked. Apparently the family gossip had already reached the Burg. "I don't blame you. This soldier boy sounds a lot better than any sissy chemist any day!" Haley went pale again, but this time she stayed that color.

""What? No, I don't... Alec just... Oh my God!" she looked ready to cry. I felt my own anger rising.

"He is Dickie Junior!" I burst out, without realizing I'd opened my mouth. I immediately slapped my hands over my lips. Omigod. I looked at my cousin. Haley's eyes were wide as saucers, and she looked like she couldn't decide whether to be relieved or kill me. "Haley! I'm so sorry, I..."

"Well, good for you!" Grandma interrupted me. She walked up to Haley and hugged her. "You learn from your cousin Stephanie. But you've done one better- you don't even have to divorce the creep. Good girl."

Haley's eyes teared up. "Th-thank you, Aunt Edna," she whispered.

"What is this world coming to?" mom demanded. "Alec sounded like such a nice young man! These boys nowadays can't keep it in their pants to save their lives!" My jaw hit the table. So did everyone else's. Mom sniffed and gave us all a condescending look. "It's true. There is always someone in my night classes crying about her husband or her boyfriend cheating on her." She fixed my father with a death glare, since he had the misfortune of being the only one of the offending gender present. "It's disgraceful."

Dad swallowed the mashed potatoes in his mouth carefully, and looked around for the nearest escape route. She rolled her eyes, then leveled a kinder glance on Haley and I. "No wonder you're all so scared of commitment."

I shook my head slowly. Maybe I needed to check the basement for pods... "Who's up for cake?" Mom asked, breaking the spell. Thank god. I was willing to give Pod-Mom a try, just as long as the cake still tasted excellent.

Luckily, it did. I made a mental note to avoid the basement anytime in the future.

I collapsed on the couch when we got back to my apartment. I love my family, but sometimes they just wear me out. I couldn't believe I had just blurted out the truth about Alec like that, even if Haley did seem to have forgiven me.

She was busy at the moment trying to sort out the two massive bags of leftovers and stuff them into my fridge. "Yo!" she yelled over her shoulder. "Shouldn't you be getting ready for your stake-out?" Crap.

Just when I thought tonight couldn't get any worse... Staring at nothing happening for hours, with plenty of time to think about all the shit that has gone wrong lately with my relationship, my job, my life, and Haley's as well. Of course there was the presence of the always sexy Cuban Batman to make up for this.

With that last, comforting thought I hauled myself to my feet and dragged my unwilling self in search of Tastycakes and cheese doodles to stuff in my bag. While I prepared for my ordeal, Haley flopped down on the couch and turned on the t.v. It was tuned to an old episode of I Dream of Jeannie, there was still a good fifteen minutes to kill, so I was about to join my cousin when a quiet knock on the door announced the arrival of my ride. Damn. Ranger never knocked, so it would be one of the Merry Men tonight. I looked out the peephole. Bobby Brown waved at me. Hm, not bad. He wasn't Ranger, but like all RangeMan employees he was still hot. I opened the door and smiled. "Hi, Bobby. Come on in. Just give me a sec, ok?"

I retreated to the bathroom as Haley approached to inspect the new visitor. Poor Bobby. I took a few extra minutes in the bathroom, just to be cruel. I was surprised to hear laughter- not just Haley's but a deep male laugh that had to be Bobby's. Wow. Haley must have some sort of superpower, because with the possible exception of Lester the Merry Men did not usually seem to have a sense of humor.

Curiosity led me back to the kitchen to find Haley and Bobby seated at the kitchen table laughing like old friends. Bobby gave me a Cheshire cat grin.

"Your cousin here was explaining your new car," he said. I cringed and glared at Haley who shrugged innocently.

My upcoming rhino impression, however, was impossible because Haley's cell phone chose that moment to begin playing the Charleston. Haley's eyes fixed on their target and she dove for it, knocking me into Bobby in the process.

"D!" she greeted the person on the other end and waved to us absently as she settled back onto the couch. "I saved Steph from the Blue Beast. I am Supergirl!... So what is your count up to, bro? If you get one more girlfriend it's going to set a new Player Record." I rolled my eyes and heard Bobby chuckle.

"Let's go," I said to Bobby and headed out the door without waiting for a response.

When we got to the waiting SUV, Bobby handed me a folder that proved to be the file on one Reggie Johnson, a happy little fire bug wanted for the brutal slaying of his step brother. We were to be staking out his apartment.

"Where's Ranger?" I asked Bobby as he pulled out of the lot.

"Something came up," he said. Such a fountain of information, he was. That was it for conversation until we stopped across the street from Reggie's apartment complex. It was actually in a decent section of town, and the complex itself was obviously only a few years old- the baby trees and half-finished landscaping was the giveaway. Not the usual place one expected to find a killer pyromaniac. I settled in for the wait.

Four hours later my butt was numb, there had been no sign of life from Reggie, and my supply of Tastykakes was consumed I had actually given several to Bobby. He shared my weakness for Butterscotch Krimpets; which somehow made him more human and moved him up several levels in my esteem. After sharing the last krimpet we actually attempted some conversation.

"Are you sure you and Haley aren't really sisters? You two are damn near twins," Bobby said shaking his head.

"Twins who are ten years apart," I laughed, then a more serious thought crossed my mind. "But we are alike. Even down to the sucky choices in men." Bobby turned and looked at me, apparently waiting for further explanation.

"Haley found out her fiancé had cheated on her. She was in the same situation I was with Dickie, but at least she hadn't already married him, you know? But what scares me is that she was going to anyway." I paused. That one still floored me. "She deserves so much better than that, but she doesn't see it. All she sees is the expectations of everyone else and how she isn't meeting them." I said and cringed, realizing I could have just described myself.

"Haley's a bright girl," Bobby's voice interrupted my disturbing thoughts. "She'll figure it out." I just nodded and hoped he was right. Bobby cleared his throat. "I was meaning to ask, though..." He trailed off, watching the doors of the complex open. No Reggie though, just a young woman with a backpack. "Is she always that..." he stopped, searching for the word. I knew what he meant.

"Yeah. Pretty much," I laughed. "I used to think it was overexposure to pompons or something."

"Cheerleader?" he asked.

"The last six years, until she quit school last semester." Bobby nodded as if this explained it.

Finally, at long last, relief arrived and Bobby drove me home. I was tempted to check to see if my butt was still attached when I got out of the car, but restrained myself.

Back in my apartment, Haley was curled up on the couch with her teddy bear, the cell phone lying on the floor beside her. I picked the quilt up off the recliner and settled it around her gently. The bear caught my eye again. It white, with unbelievably soft fluffy fur, a pink bow tie, and it hadn't been in her luggage. The white fur was pristine so it had to be new, and it had appeared after our night at Underground. I examined its bright blue eyes again and wondered where it had come from. Or, more precisely, who. I'd ask her tomorrow.

With that last thought I made my way back to my room and went to bed. I could have sworn I had just closed my eyes when my alarm started buzzing. I cursed and slapped at it until I managed to hit the snooze button. Damned thing. It couldn't possibly be ten a.m. already, but the clock insisted it was. I had almost made it back to dreamland when someone sat down on the other side of the bed. I told them to go away.

My cousin's irritatingly cheerful giggle forced me to open my eyes. "Steph, I'm going to go shopping with Lula, ok? I was wondering if I could take your car, please? She plans on buying a ton of stuff and I want to buy some stuff for the apartment since you've been so great about letting me stay and all," she said smiling happily. I looked her up and down. She was wearing khaki capris, white strappy sandals, and an odd halter tank top that looked like it had been made out of a polo shirt. She was going shopping with Lula. I wanted this on tape... but I wanted sleep more.

"Ok. Take it. Go," I said and pulled the covers over my head again. Haley hugged me cover and all, and stood up.

"I'm leaving my keys in the kitchen. Don't sleep too late, Beauty," and she was gone. I sighed in contentment and snuggled back into my bed for another few hours of slumber.

The insistent ringing wouldn't go away. The fucking phone. I was going to kill whoever it was. I got up and stomped into the kitchen as the answering machine kicked on. "Stephanie Plum!" my mother's voice was shrill. "What's this about you blowing up the Macy's parking lot? Angie Morelli's daughter never blows up parking lots..." I grabbed the phone.

"Mom? What are you talking about? I've been home asleep!"

"Oh thank goodness! I keep getting calls that you're in the Macy's parking lot and you just blew it up..." Oh my god. Macy's. Shopping.

"I have to go, Mom. I will explain later!" I dropped the phone, ran into my room, pulling on the first pair of jeans I saw, and grabbing a scrunchy for my hair. Somehow I wrangled it into a ponytail without even breaking stride. Snagging the keys to Haley's Couger, I was out the door and on my way to Macy's, my pulse pounding in my ears, my chest tight.


	6. Chapter 5: Explosions

****

Chapter 5

I made it to the mall in record time, and if half the Trenton PD hadn't been in Macy's parking lot I would probably have been arrested for careless and imprudent driving. There were several police cruisers, an ambulance, a black Ford F350, a black SUV (guess Ranger and the Merry Men made it to the party), and... oh shit. A familiar unmarked police car. Morelli.

I got out of the Cougar and forced myself to walk toward the largest group of cops, who were congregating around my new Escape, which looked remarkably unscathed. So my car wasn't blown up. Hm, that was a change. I caught sight of Carl Costanza and Big Dog exchanging money, and headed for them. Someone in the background was yelling and I had to yell to hear myself over the commotion, "Hey guys! What's going on?" My voice sounded hollow even to myself.

Carl and Big Dog just stared at me, their mouths moving but no sounds coming forth.

"Guys?" I asked again.

They looked back over their shoulders, and then looked at me again.

"Holy shit, Steph," Carl finally said looking shell shocked. "You hire a stand in?" It took me a moment to realize what he was talking about. I looked around they dynamic duo. What I saw eased my panic but let me switch to a whole new emotion. My inner rhino was making an appearance.

Haley was sitting on the curb slumped and dejected, her hair falling around her face blocking it from view. Morelli stood close by, yelling at her. Well, not exactly- he was calling her "Stephanie" and "Cupcake," and trying to convince her, or rather me, to quit playing at being a superhero, to get a clue, to quit trying to fly before I broke my neck, how could I do this to everyone, etc. You know, I thought those lectures sounded ugly when they were directed at me, but being the third party made them even worse. I pushed past Carl, my eyes narrowed and my hands curled into fists. How dare he? The last time I'd even heard from him was the night Haley showed up, and that had been him giving me another ultimatum: Give up my job and stop my friendship with Ranger or lose him. After sitting in on this tirade, I was giving serious thought to doing just that, after I hit him with the Buick.

Haley beat me to it. She stood up, keeping her head bowed and whispered something. Morelli smirked, looking superior. "Yeah, Cupcake."

"Good," she said, flipping her head up and flashing him a blinding smile. He had just enough time to register his mistake before her fist caught him square on the cheek. He stumbled backward, and stared at her in shock. Haley straightened her back and gave him the cheerleader death glare. "That's going to be one hell of a shiner, you know. And if you ever talk about my cousin like that again, I'll give you one to match."

The cops and emergency personnel in the immediate vicinity were laughing. Morellii's face flushed as he touched his cheek. "You little..."

"Say it," Haley dared. "Say it, and everyone finds out about you and that blond the other night at Underground..." she trailed off and grinned at him. "Oops."

I was frozen in place. My baby cousin had just punched a cop, my sort-of-boyfriend cop, and had just announced a choice piece of gossip to effectively the entire Burg, all to defend me. I had to admire her style, but I saw the expression in Morelli's eyes and became more concerned for her immediate safety. Better get moving, Stephanie...I took a few steps toward the showdown.

Every eye on the place was glued to us. I caught a glimpse of Ranger, Lester, and Tank standing on the edge of the crowd. I smiled a little: the cavalry was already here. "What blond?" I asked as casually as I could.

Haley and Morelli both turned to face me. Morelli looked angry, embarrassed, and maybe a little apprehensive. Haley just looked apologetic. "I'm really sorry, Steph," she said. "I didn't mean to say that, really I didn't..."

"Are you ok? I heard something about blowing up the parking lot," I said, keeping my eyes on Haley because I wasn't sure I wouldn't kill Joe if I looked at him again.

"Oh, I'm fine. It was some sort of explosive thingy, but it fell off when I... er... ran up on the curb," she said looking guilty. I winced. Well, a curb check was better than an exploded Haley and Lula. Speaking of which:

"Where's Lula?"

"She left when the cops came." Typical.

"Don't worry about it, pixie," I said giving her a quick hug. "Cars are replaceable, you aren't," I added, borrowing a line from Ranger. She smiled a little, looking intensely relieved.

"But is it true- the blond thing, I mean?" I asked, keeping my voice as neutral as possible, and finally turning to look at Joe.

"Cupcake," he said quietly, "We can't do this here..."

Haley's head shot up, and she turned on him. "But you could do anything on the dance floor at the club, couldn't you?" she almost growled. Holy hell, I guess we had the same temper after all. But I had to wonder what exactly he had been doing on the dance floor...

"Stay out of this," Morelli warned, giving Haley a dangerous look. She snorted and rolled her eyes at him, unimpressed.

"Stay out of it while you treat my cousin, one of my best friends, like a door mat? Like dirt?" she shook her head.

"What happened on the dance floor?" I asked. Haley just looked at me, her expression clearly saying I should be able to guess. Oh. My vision took on a slight red tinge as I looked at Morelli. "Who was it?"

"Come on, not here, Cupcake. Let's go back to my place."

"Fuck your place. I'm not going anywhere with you. Just like our so-called relationship. You want my decision? Fine, you've made it for me. My job and my friends, or you? " Oops, almost said 'Ranger,' and wouldn't the Burg love that one? "You aren't worth that, Morelli, you're... you're..." I couldn't think of anything low enough to describe him and paused for breath.

"You are a post used douche, Morelli" Haley supplied, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from him. "Now get lost before you get beaten up by a girl. Again."

I gaped at her. Ten points for colorful insults, even if it was a mental image I really didn't need. Kind of fit though... I looked at Joe, who was looking at Haley like he was considering homicide. It was the look he'd given me when I'd let him out of the ice truck. Huh. Hadn't thought about that one in a while. He'd attacked me... shit. I quickened my pace, and reversed roles, this time it was me hauling Haley out of the fray. I looked around for where to go.

"Proud of you, Babe," Ranger's voice whispered in my ear, a moment before I felt his hand settle at the base of my neck and guide me forward. I sighed and blinked back the tears. We were heading for Ranger's truck.

"Thanks, Ranger," I managed as the anger wore off and the hurt began to leak in. Oh my god. I couldn't believe him. At a club. With some blond bimbo... probably Terri Gillman. I thought of all the times I had thought how great he'd turned out, how different from the other Morelli men. I'd been so clueless. Again. The world was taking another spin into the Twilight Zone, and I was having trouble focusing through the tears. "What about my car?" I asked to keep my mind off my emotional train wreck.

"They're taking it to impound or something," Haley supplied. "I think they just want to take pictures of it, but that's just me... ow!" she whimpered. I looked over to see Tank applying something to her hand.

"That was a hell of a punch, sweetheart" Lester told her. "Where'd you learn to hit like that?" Haley gave him a haughty sniff. I almost laughed. Her current girly fluff image hadn't always been around. Once upon a time, in another life, Haley Jane had been a tomboy.

"It's a secret. I'd tell you, but then I might have to kill you," she told him with a grin. Lester and Tank laughed. Ranger smiled.

"Your form needs some work," Tank said, wrapping her hand carefully. Haley scowled.

"It's not my fault he has a thick Italian skull. Besides, you try landing a decent punch in these shoes!" She gestured to her black flip-flops with their four inch platform soles. Good gods, the shoes that girl wore...

I glanced at Ranger. "Come on, let's get out of here before this gets bloody." I tossed Haley her keys. "No curb checks." She just laughed.

"Hey, it's actually an improvement. I used to end up in ditches."

"Is car destruction a genetic trait in your family?" Ranger asked as we pulled out of the lot. I glared at him.

"Where were you last night?" I am the master of the subtle change of subject.

"Meeting." Hm. Good to know he was feeling chatty. My stomach rumbled.

"Can we stop somewhere and grab some food?"

Ranger nodded and flipped open his cell phone. "We're heading to Big Jim's.... Yeah, and bring Haley."

"Tank?" A slight incline of his head. I gave up on further conversation as he slid into his Zone.

Several minutes later we pulled into Big Jim's. As always, Ranger managed to get a table that kept his back to the wall.

"Any idea who would blow up your car?" he asked after we were seated.

"I haven't even had it long enough to drive it this time! We went car shopping last night." Ranger raised an eyebrow.

"Car shopping?"

"Haley's term, not mine." I sighed. "God, I thought..." my voice caught. I was not going to say what I had thought out loud. So I pondered his question instead. "I don't know who would do it. I don't even have any skips right now, so unless it's a former skip or something like that..." I shrugged. Normally there was at least a threatening phone call or something to explain one of my cars blowing up.

"You said you haven't even driven this car?"

"No. I barely even test drove it. Haley was convinced that since it matched my aura and it was 'my lucky color' that it would last... I guess she was right, after all." I frowned as I realized something. "But what kind of car bomb falls off anyway?"

"It wasn't a car bomb. It was an explosive device probably set to detonate at a certain time. It was attached to the undercarriage, but it came loose when Haley ran up on the curb." I shook my head in admiration.

"The first lucky curb check in history."

"Did you see the crater it left in the parking lot?" Ranger asked.

"No." I felt guilty. I hadn't even checked out the damage. "I got distracted when I saw Joe yelling at Haley like that." There was something else bothering me. "He couldn't even tell it wasn't me."

Ranger's lips moved in his almost-smile. "You two look a lot alike, Babe. He just didn't look too close."

"You haven't confused us," I pointed out. Ranger's smile grew to about 200 watts.

"There are a few differences," he said.

Differences no one else seemed to get. "Aside from our height?"

Ranger inclined his head, smile staying in place. Gah. Ok. I was curious... "What are they?"

His eyes met mine, and they had gone several shades darker. He leaned closer and pressed his lips to mine. That was it. Another one of those soft, wonderful, panty-ruining, did-I-imagine-it, bone melting kisses. "Your lips, for one," he said quietly, sitting back in his seat.

I tried to get my suddenly mushy brain to work. "Oh," I said. Before I could ask what the other ones were, I heard the door to the restaurant open.

Tank and Lester entered with Haley between them, and even the four inch sandals didn't keep her from looking like a shrimp. Goldilocks and the two bears... Then I noticed that the two guys were grinning ear to ear.

:"Please tell me you didn't give them the magic color spiel?" I asked as Haley skipped over and slipped into the seat next to mine.

"Nope. We just played leap frog," she said, confiscating my Coke.

"Hey, get your own!" I gave a half-hearted protest, but let her take a drink anyway. She had just nearly gotten blown up because of me, then told off Morelli-the-scum. Haley, true to her dignified nature, stuck her tongue out at me.

"Leap frog?" Ranger was giving his men one of those 'do I really want to know' looks.

"Yep. It's where you leap frog down the road. It gets really fun if there's a lot of traffic," Haley told him.

"Shouldn't you have been following them?" I asked her.

"That got boring." I frowned and looked at her closely. When I was stressed, I ate or I took a nap. When Haley was stressed she suddenly had the attention span of a three-year-old. It was enough to make her normal effervescence look dull.

"You handled almost getting blown up remarkably well," I said. She shrugged.

"It wasn't that bad. I hit the curb, I cursed and I pulled into another space a little way down to check out the damage- there wasn't any by the way, and then Lula thought something fell off and we just took a step when it blew up. So it really wasn't any biggy. I'm actually a lot more pissed about that douche bag detective you've been dating." Haley scowled at me. I could almost hear her inner rhino gearing up for the charge.

"How many times have you lectured me about not letting a guy tell me what to do, or guilt trip me into something I didn't want, or let some guy control my actions, and above all not to let any guy treat you with anything less that total respect?" she paused for breath. "Oh, and let's not forget the 'if there isn't trust, there isn't love' speech, Steph." I glanced at the males at the table. They had on their blank faces.

"Haley, I..."

"Stop it. Seriously, listen to your own advice from now on. You would have kicked my butt if I let a guy treat me like you've let him treat you. He's cheated on you, left you hanging, yelled at you, and put you down for being yourself. You've told me everything, Stephie. But you want to know the major thing that clued me in?"

I really, really didn't want to hear this, and definitely not in front of Ranger or his guys, but I had a feeling she wasn't about to stop any time soon. "Uh..."

"He's a cop, and he works undercover, but he never tells you when he's going in, never tells you when he might be back, and when he gets back- you're usually the last person to know. Didn't any of that ever register?" She looked at me, genuinely wondering how I hadn't noticed.

"It did. I just didn't want to think about it."

"Well, think about it." Her tone was final. "And if you take him back after this, I will personally kick your ass." I winced as her point sunk home. She had just said everything that nagging voice in the back of my head had been saying for a while now.

"I will, I promise."

The guys were looking uncomfortable. Haley flashed them her cover girl smile. "Sorry about that. It had to be said though. I hope you forgive us... what's for eating?"

"They have awesome ribs here," I said, handing her a menu.

"Ribshmibs. I need desert!" she laughed. We put our heads together and poured over the desert menu, ignoring the somewhat stunned silence from our companions .

"What are you guys getting?" I asked finally when it was all beginning to get a little ridiculous.

The temporary ice broken we got down to the business of ordering and eating massive amounts of food. Ranger went for salad, Haley went for salad and triple chocolate cake, and the rest of us selected ribs.

Haley must have been feeling guilty about her explosion, because she ended up sharing her chocolate cake with me. Nothing in our family screams apology louder than willingness to share chocolate.

I had no idea what dinner with Ranger and Co. would be like, but it actually went very well. There was conversation and everything. I learned more about the guys and Ranger in one hour than I had the entire time I'd known them. Tank was from a small town in Louisiana, Lester and Ranger were from Miami, they had served together in the Rangers along with Bobby. They talked about wilder younger days and stupid stunts they'd pulled.

When Lester detailed how he and his friends had stolen a crane from a construction site to put their high school principal's car on the roof of the school, I laughed so hard I nearly cried.

Somehow picturing the teenage punks they must have been made them all a little more human. When Haley and I finally left, I was almost reluctant to go. I had enjoyed their company so much I had forgotten about my own problems, but sitting in the passenger seat, listening to the song 'Caroline,' it all came rushing back.

As if reading my mind, Haley pulled into the 7-11. Thirty minutes later and loaded with as much ice cream, oreos, peanut butter, and sugary substances as we could carry, we were back on our way home.

I was patient. I waited until we had the ice cream in the freezer, everything was refrigerated that needed refrigerating, and we were both settled on the couch with boxes of Snackwell's devil's food cookies.

"Why didn't you tell me what happened the other night?" I asked, watching her closely for any sign of dishonesty. Haley sighed and looked sheepish.

"I'm not sure. Lula saw him first, and she pointed him out to me. We were going to go say hi and introduce ourselves until we noticed the blond he was with. Lula said she knew her... mob boss's kid or something.

So I was right. Terri Gillman. My opinion of Morelli sank even further.

"Anyway, they were going pretty hot and heavy; his hands were like everywhere!" She paused and looked at me, her cheeks coloring. "Uh, I mean..."

"Detail, Haley. I want detail."

Haley looked embarrassed and munched on a cookie instead.

"Damn it, Haley Jane Thorne, spill your guts!" I demanded. "Or I call your mother." Haley choked on the cookie.

I took pity and handed her a can of Coke, which she took and guzzled quickly.

"Ok ok. No need to be mean. I'll spill." She took another cookie presumably for courage. "He was all over her, right out in the open on the dance floor. I mean, it was bad. I could probably have even told you what color her thong was. And then they decided they needed more privacy or something cause they moved off to the side and into one of those darker indentions in the wall. And um, well... they did the whole exhibitionist thing, ok. I mean, you wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't watched where they went, and they weren't the only people doing it, you know, but it was kind of tacky." She shook her head in disgust.

I felt ill. Not only had he cheated on me, he had done it in public. Even Dickie had at least done it in the privacy of our home...

The tears came back, along with the Twilight Zone tilt-a-whirl effect. Haley handed me something soft and squishy. The teddy bear. Followed by a box of Kleenex.

"It's best to cry it out, Stephie," she said quietly. "Keeping it bottled up doesn't help anythng. Cry it out and remember- if he was worth anything at all he would never have made you cry in the first place. We can make the voodoo dolls and handle everything else later."

I sniffled my thanks and hugged the bear. "Other stuff?"

"Sure, you know like getting Ranger to beat him up," she said cheerfully, "Dousing his car with pop, and maybe soaking his favorite jacket in beer... "

I let out a half sob-half laugh. All of those sounded like really good ideas, except that I wanted to be the one to beat up Morelli. Maybe borrow dad's car and run over him a couple more times... and then I had it. My revenge on Morelli. I was going to need some help though. I looked at Haley, my tears gone. She must have recognized the look in my eyes, because hers suddenly reflected just what I was feeling.

"Oh, there you are Wonder Woman. I wondered where you'd gotten to," she said with that unholy gleam in her eyes.

"Sorry about that Super Girl, but we've got work to do..." I stood up and headed for the phone. I dialed a familiar number, and the phone rang three times before a sleepy voice answered.

"Eddie, it's Steph."

"Hey!" his voice lost some of the fatigue. "I heard about what happened. I didn't know, Steph. You know I would have told you," he sounded apologetic.

"I know you would have. I'm not upset with anyone but Detective Douche Bag." Eddie chuckled.

"How's Pixie's hand? Heard she laid him out but one of Ranger's guys bandaged it before you left."

"Hi, Eddie!" Haley chirped into the phone. "And my hand is fine. I just banged my knuckles on that idiot's thick skull," she said and wandered back to the TV. Eddie laughed outright.

"I wish I could have been there."

"I'm sure someone caught it on tape... but look, I need you to do something for me."

"Steph, really, I..."

"I want you to call me tomorrow when Morelli heads home."

"That's it?" Eddie's voice was surprised. I could just imagine him rubbing his head as the next round of thoughts went through his mind. "What are you going to do to him?"

"Nothng serious or permanent. Just a little... payback to convince him how badly he screwed up, and to announce loud and clear that it's over."

I could hear the grin in his voice. "All right, I'll do it. Go get him, tiger."

I laughed as we hung up and turned to Haley.

"I could almost pity him," She said thoughtfully. "Almost."

We settled back on the couch, ice cream in hand, to plot revenge. I'd need to call Mary Lou in the morning, probably, but this operation was going to call for stealth, and as clumsy as I was, and as bouncy as Haley could be, we were both a lot better with sneaking than Mare. And this would have to be done tomorrow. Morelli was about to learn a very important lesson: Never piss off the Burg girl who has a key to your house.

I suppose we should have been worried about who had blown up my car, and I could have been out chasing my one lone skip, but somehow revenge on Morelli took priority. I liked to think it was my way of coping. We fell asleep on the couch, mid-discussion.

The alarm went off at seven a.m. and we were out the door in fifteen minutes flat. Sure enough, Morelli had already left, so I let us in with the handy dandy key, and fought off Bob's overzealous greeting. When he finished racing from one end of the house to the other in glee, I led him into the kitchen.

I had just finished unloading most of the fridge onto the floor for Bob's perusal, and was setting out a box of cookies and some cereal when something on the counter caught my eye. There, glittering in the morning sunlight, lay temptation itself. Who was I to resist fate? I left Bob to his feast- payment for all the times Morelli had refused to help me clean up the messes, and in fact had never once helped me come to think of it..

I skipped into the living room, the keys to the Ducati swinging merrily from my hand. Haley had just finished her sweep of the downstairs, and grinned at me. "What have we here?"

"Karma," I said simply. Haley tilted her head but refrained from further questions.

"Come on, we have more seeds of discontent to sow," she said, handing me a stack of books and magazines from the coffee table. I looked down at the covers and grimaced. Haley had struck out on her own late last night, and had returned with an impressive collection of gay porn magazines, liberally sprinkled with ones of obese women and even a few pictures of ducks in bondage gear. Vinnie would probably have been in a state over the duck porn.

Haley had said she'd found an all-night adult superstore. I didn't even know such things existed in Trenton, but anything's possible. I didn't ask how she knew- it had to be from either Lula or Sally and I didn't really want to think about either possibility.

It took us an hour to distribute them over the entire house, even creatively hiding a few for good measure. I had been certain to put a few where Bob could get ahold of them. The thought of Morelli having to pick up shredded bits of gay pornography was immensely satisfying. The thought of Bob dragging it out while someone was visiting was even better. Someone like Grandma Bella, for instance. ...

Haley left one of the duck pictures in his nightstand. I only wished someone could have a Polaroid handy when he found it.

We left the house, locked up tight just like we had found it. Haley waved to me as she took off in the Cougar. I followed her a few minutes later in the Ducati.

__

----------------------------------------------------------

It was almost six by the time my phone rang. It was Eddie, warning me that Morelli had just left the station. I thanked him and hightailed myself over to Pino's to pick up my pizza. I had considered not being home when Joe inevitably found the Bob-induced disaster area, but that would have been cowardly. So I relaxed on the couch with pizza, beer, and my stun gun tucked under the cushion.

Haley had left for work right before Eddie called, in what was dangerously close to a nervous breakdown. I just hoped the club survived the night. Hell, right now I hoped _I_ survived the night. Because a pissed off Joseph Morelli would probably be showing up very soon...

As if on cue, my cell phone rang. I checked the LCD and my face split into a grin. "Hello, Morelli," I said, keeping my voice cold.

" Isn't it enough that your bitch of a cousin gave me a black eye in front of the entire force?" growled a very angry male voice. I smirked.

"Haley is not a bitch. If she was she would have nailed your sorry ass with a Buick" I snapped. He could insult me all he wanted, but nobody was going to call Haley a bitch because she stood up for me. Morelli snorted.

"What the fuck did you do to my house?"

"Today? Nothing, I'm trying to rebound from this scum-sucking loser I've been dating. Ask me tomorrow. I have some wonderful ideas for what to do to you tomorrow."

"Right. Letting Bob loose on the kitchen is nothing?" his voice held a deadly calm.

Ooh, he was this pissed and he hadn't even found the duck yet. Couldn't wait until he noticed the Ducati. I cleared my throat.

"Look, Joseph, if you can't control your dog, that's your problem."

"Our dog." Yeah right. The only time Bob was 'our' dog was when he had just made some hideous mess that I was supposed to clean up.

"Posession is nine tenths of the law, you know. And you have primary custody."

"Stephanie..." he growled.

"For once you get to clean up your own mess. Consider it a learning experience. You can only dump so much shit on a girl before she disappears and lets you deal with it all by your lonesome. Why don't you call Terri for help?" And I hung up.

About an hour later the phone rang again. Ah, Joe again. I flipped it open. "Do you know, this is the most you've called me... ever? Even when we were engaged."

"God damn it, Stephanie. I am not in the mood for this. Where the fuck is my bike?" I laughed.

"Not far. I took it for a drive today. You never trusted me enough to let me drive it, and I was curious."

"Where's the bike keys?" his voice held a cold rage.

"Jesus, and you made Detective?"

"Where are the keys?"

I sighed loudly. "I put them back where I found them. They should be there... oh, wait... I think I might have knocked them on the floor when I was hauling some of my stuff out..." I said innocently. Morelli let loose with a string of Italian. "You did get Bob to stop trying to eat bright shiny objects, didn't you?"

More Italian. I'm sure my ancestors didn't appreciate his insinuations.

"Now Joe. Think of this another learning experience. Like when you threw my keys in that dumpster." and I hung up.

There were still a couple slices of pizza left, so I saved them for Haley and settled back with another beer to watch the Bewitched marathon.


	7. Chapter 6: Anger

****

Chapter 6

The knock at the door wasn't unexpected, but it still made me jump. I slid my hand under the cushion and touched my stun gun before I yelled a greeting.

"Who's there?"

"Open up, Cupcake. We need to talk," Morelli growled through the door.

"Get lost, Joe. There's nothing left to talk about."

A familiar clicking sound was heard a split second before the door swung open and Morelli stalked in. I watched him move into the room, remaining carefully still. I didn't get up, didn't even turn my head, just followed him with my eyes. He was mad. Furious mad. Dangerous mad. And the spectacular bruising around his left eye didn't help lessen the scary factor.

Maybe not such a good idea to screw with the Ducati? Fuck it; he screwed with my life, I could screw with his precious bike. I raised my eyebrows expectantly.

"Thought I made it clear before. We have nothing to talk about?"

"Where's my bike, Stephanie?" He stood there, towering over me. I have a tendency to forget just how big Morelli is. He's one of those guys that you just don't notice it until he gets mad and then it's too damned late. I tightened my hold on the stun gun.

"Back off, Joe." I held his eyes while I spoke, mentally calculating my odds in this situation. They weren't good.

"Tell me where the bike is first," he suggested. He didn't move back. In fact he leaned closer.

"It's safe unless you keep pissing me off like this," my voice was calm. "I don't appreciate the neanderthal tactics. I never did."

"And I don't appreciate the high school tactics," he growled.

"Then you should have acted like an adult all the fuck along," I shot back. "Doing Terri Gilman in public isn't exactly going to win you an award for maturity here."

"My mother saw the sheep picture."

I winced, feeling the smallest increment of pity for about a millisecond. Then I realized what that meant. "Shouldn't have had you mommy clean your house then."

Joe took another step toward me and I pulled out the stun gun. He laughed.

"You think that's gonna help you right now, Cupcake?" He looked down at me, his eyes sweeping over my entire body. "Cause I don't think so..."

He lunged toward me, I dove for the opposite end of the couch. He caught my legs, but at least he didn't land on me. Unfortunately I still lost the stungun. It went flying out of my hand, skidded across the floor and slid under the TV stand.

"Where's the damned bike?" he yelled, trying to pull me closer.

"Behind your house you dumbass. Get off me!" I kicked wildly, wishing like hell I'd gone running with Ranger more often.

"Telling the truth?"

"God, that is so typical! Just like the refrigerator rule: if it isn't right in front, then it isn't there." I yelled again as he finally caught both my ankles, and I found myself pinned under him, looking up at those famed melted chocolate eyes, technicolor bruises and all. Suddenly I was very aware just how pinned I was. His body was covering mine, pressing me into the couch. From the look Joe was giving me, he'd just realized it too.

The anger disappeared and a smile spread slowly across his face. "I think it's time we kiss and make up..."

I opened my mouth to tell him off but ended up getting thoroughly kissed. Joe has many faults, but being a bad kisser is not one of them. His lips worked their magic, igniting my traitorous hormones. I couldn't suppress the moans that came out of me, was barely aware of it as my back arched into him.

Joe pulled away with a very male groan of frustration. "Let's take this into the bedroom," he suggested, nipping at my ear.

That did it. Visions of him with Terri flooded my mind. "You didn't take it into the bedroom with Terri, did you? Get off me, get out of my apartment, and get out of my life, Morelli." I started struggling again.

We rolled off the couch, both of us cursing as various bits were slammed into the floor. Joe had a painfully tight grip on my left wrist, my legs were still pinned under him, but that left me with my right arm to use for punching and scratching. I was going to ruin my manicure.

"Stephanie, stop it! I'm sorry okay? Things got out of hand-"

"From what Haley said there were a lot more things in hand." He made some reply but I didn't hear it. We were only a foot or two away from the TV stand which meant my stungun was in reach. The prospect of stunning Morelli and dumping him out the window was almost better than fresh-baked Krispy Kremes.

"I love you, Cupcake. I'm sorry it happened." That froze me. I looked up at him, my jaw hanging open.

"Sorry you slept with Terri?"

"Yeah," he said quietly, holding my gaze. And then we were kissing again. I was caught up in another rush of hormones, so much so that I almost didn't notice when he grabbed my free wrist. I still didn't realize until it was too late. I was trapped.

I tried to pull free, but his hands only tightened.

"Nothing doing, Cupcake. You aren't getting out of this so easy." He was grinning now.

"Let me up," I suggested. "I won't attack you or anything. Please?"

Joe shook his head slowly. "No. I think where you are is going to work just fine," his voice was husky now, and he bent down to kiss my neck.

"We can't do this." I bit back another moan, and fought off the rush of heat.

"I said I'm sorry, Cupcake. Let me make it up to you," he whispered against my throat. I shivered, but I wasn't going to be so easily distracted.

"You said you were sorry about Terri," I gasped as he nipped my collarbone.

"What more is there?" he asked, his lips travelling up my throat again. I was getting lost in a foggy, hormone-induced haze so it took a minute more for his words to fully sink in. When they did, my happy forget-it-lets-have-sex state of mind disappeared entirely.

He thought this was only about Terri? He thought that was the only problem in out so-called relationship? And more than that, he thought a simple 'I'm sorry' was going to fix it. Ugh.

"Get off me, Morelli."

"Loosen up, Steph. You know you want to..."

"Get off me!" I yelled, and resumed my efforts to extricate my arms. A feeling of panic was starting to set in deep inside me. If I could just get my arm free, I could get the stungun...

"Get up, Morelli. Don't make me shoot you." The voice was low, dangerous. I could have cried in relief, if I wasn't so pissed off myself.

Joe shifted his weight to look at the door. I took the moment of distraction and used every muscle I had to pull my leg up, scoring a direct hit on his groin. His breath rushed out and he rolled off of me. I watched him curled up in the fetal position for a moment before I launched myself upright and took off in a mad dash for the cookie jar to retrieve my gun. Not too surprisingly, I ran smack into Ranger's chest.

"Babe, you okay?" One of his arms wrapped around me protectively. I rested my forehead against his shoulder for a second.

"Yeah. I need my gun, though."

"Don't think that's a good idea. It's messy if you shoot a cop."

"I'm not going to shoot him!" I looked up at Ranger's face to see his usual blank expression. The flare of amusement in his eyes was easy to miss, but it was there. "I'm not!"

"Stay out of this, Manoso. It doesn't concern you." Joe was standing now, albeit with slightly hunched shoulders. Ranger didn't seem willing to dignify this with a reply, he just narrowed his eyes and any hint of emotion disappeared from him.

I turned to look at him, but I didn't step away from Ranger. "Door, Joe. Now. You know the way."

"Look, Stephanie, can't we just-"

"Leave, Morelli." I pointed the way out.

Joe's finally quit glaring daggers at Ranger to turn on me. "What's he doing here in the middle of the night? You really move that fast, Stephanie?"

"Just because you're a slut, Joe, don't think the rest of us are so easy." He did have a point though- what was Ranger doing here? "Now pleaee leave."

Joe looked ready to argue again until I felt Ranger shift his weight behind me. I don't know what it meant, maybe it was some secret guy warning signal, but Joe's mouth snapped shut and he left. Just stomped through the door and was gone, slamming it behind him.

"Thanks, Ranger," I whispered, staring at the door and wondering what the hell had just happened.

"Anytime, Babe."

He turned me toward him and pulled me closer, wrapping both arms around me tightly. I slid my arms around his waist and leaned into him, burying my face in his shoulder. We stayed like that for several minutes, neither one of us speaking. The cold pit of dread that had formed inside of me disappeared gradually, but even when it was gone I stayed still enjoying the feel of being wrapped up in a Ranger hug.

I was the one to pull away though, because if I didn't I was probably going to jump him and I wasn't sure I liked where that would lead just now.

"You okay?" His eyes had their armor-piercing ESP look in them. I nodded.

"Shook up. Wierded out- what the hell was that, by the way? I mean, I got the him being mad part but just thinking that 'I'm sorry' fixes everything? Is he really that dense? Why do I always get the guys like that? Did you know Dickie thought the same thing at first? He thought if he got me that stupid necklace it would all be fixed, well the necklace and marriage counseling. I'm a magnet. I need chocolate.

And then 'what more is there?' . Where's my gun, I need to go shoot him! What more is there.. "

"Steph," Ranger's voice broke in. "No shooting cops. Too much paperwork."

I glared at him and went in search of the Milky Way I had stashed in the freezer for emergencies. The frozen nougaty chocolate carmel goodness was a welcome relief. It calmed the roiling sense of outrage, or at least distracted me from it. In my newfound chocolate-induced nirvana I looked back at Ranger. He was in SWAT mode and armed to the teeth. No wonder Joe decided on leaving.

"So what brought you here? I didn't send up a batsignal or anything..."

Ranger shook his head, his look turning serious. "I got a call from Tank and Bobby. They were at Underground tonight and there were some problems."

Images of Wild West show barroom brawls sprang to mind. "They start too many fights?"

Ranger gave me a look. "There was a drive-by."

"As in shooting?" I felt the knot of panic reappearing. Ranger nodded. "Where's Haley?"

"ER."

I stared at Ranger like I didn't understand what he'd just said. "Oh my god. How bad is it?"

"Bobby said it wasn't bad. Just a flesh wound."

I felt nauseous. The RangeMan guys' idea of a light wound was probably anything short of losing a limb. Ranger shook his head.

"Bobby is about to finish his medical degree. He would have said something if it was serious. Come on, I'll give you a ride."


	8. Chapter 7: At the Hospital

Disclaimer: Stephanie and co. still belong to Janet Evanovich.

Note: In case you missed it, the whole thing is now rewritten from like Chapter 5 onward. The Goldwater Island saga is now separate and titled Caribbean Blue.

**Chapter 7**

I watched Ranger shed a small armory in the truck before we headed into the hospital. This led to several new discoveries on my part. First, I had no idea one person could carry that many knives, guns, and ammo hidden on them; secondly I had also never realized watching a guy handle a gun or a knife could be an erotic experience; third, I was really hoping he'd shed more than the weapons. All of this led up to my fourth discovery, which is that I need a psychiatrist. Ranger pulled another knife from some his leg and glanced at me.

Apparently his ESP was in full working order, because his eyes raked over me knowingly and his lips turned up faintly. He flipped up the console and pulled me across the seat.

"Never knew you were a weapons kind of girl," he whispered into my ear, his breath flowing across my skin. I shivered even as I felt my face heat up. Ranger laughed and tilted my face toward him.

His lips brushed mine, igniting every single nerve ending in me. It was soft, gentle, everything that I had never pictured Ranger being. This was also the third time he'd kissed me like this. It was wonderful, but I wanted more. I reached up and slid my fingers into his hair, pulling him close while I pressed my body against him.

I got what I asked for. He pulled me into his lap, his hands slipping under my t-shirt. I know I was making very happy noises by then- I was almost to the boiling point just from his kiss and feeling his hands on me was just another step to paradise.

And then it stopped. He pulled his lips away from mine, saying something in Spanish that I didn't catch. I put my head on his shoulder, too dazed and floaty to figure out what had just happened.

Honestly, the night had gone weird enough in the last couple hours I was past questioning it.

"Let's go, Babe," Ranger said softly.

I nodded and let him help me out of the truck, then steer me through the hospital with a hand at the base of my neck. He was still touching me, so I took that as a positive sign. It meant he wasn't mad at me. And I was perfectly happy to keep in contact with him, so I obviously wasn't feeling that badly about our make-out session either.

The reality of why we were there didn't actually sink in until we stepped into the Emergency Room that Haley was in. I was relatively sure there was a limit to the number of visitors or something but no one said a word when we came in. Tank and Bobby were both standing by the bed looking like hulking bodyguards, exuding a subtle protective menace which was successfully unnerving the young doctor who was attending.

Haley was sitting up, but barely from the look of her. Even with her tan, she was only a few shades darker than the white bandage wrapped around her shoulder. She caught sight of Ranger and I as we walked in and smiled brightly.

"Hey, you two. Welcome to the party!"

"Are you okay?" I stepped up to give her a very careful hug which she returned enthusiastically.

"Peachy keen. Painkillers rock socks."

I looked at the doctor who had busied himself scribbling out a couple of prescriptions. "What happened?" I asked, returning my attention to Haley.

She shrugged her good shoulder. "I was heading out to my car, and Tank walked me out. We almost got to it when there was this explosion and then somebody started shooting. Tank plowed into me right about then so I didn't get to see anything else."

"I didn't plow into you," Tank sighed.

"Ok. But I still ended up on the ground underneath you."

Tank raised an eyebrow. "You the first girl to complain about that..."

"I think I'm the first girl to survive it. The rest probably got squished. You weigh a ton."

"Fine. Next time you be on top," Tank deadpanned.

Haley grinned. "Sure you could handle that, big guy?"

Bobby was clearing this throat to hide the laughter, and even Ranger had a half-smile. I just tried to keep my chin from hitting the floor.

"What kind of pain killers did you give her?" I asked the doctor.

He shook his head and handed me the prescriptions. "These are for some mild pain pills and antibiotics. Just keep it clean and she shouldn't have any problems. But she might need a couple days rest. Her blood pressure was a little low and she's anemic. I'd recommend some daily vitamins."

"Flintstones?" Haley asked hopefully.

The doctor smiled. "Sure. Just get the ones with iron."

"Rock on. Can we head home now?"

"I have your release form right here. You are staying with your sister?" The doctor looked between Haley and me curiously.

"Cousins," I corrected him. "But yeah, she's staying with me."

I held the door open for Tank to carry Haley in. She was out cold- never good with blood loss or pain meds. With the two of them together I figured she'd probably be out for the next couple of days. He put her down on the couch and I pulled the blanket over her before we headed back toward the kitchen where Ranger was leaning against the counter.

"Any chance this might be connected to the Slayers?" I kept my voice low. Haley was apparently dead to the world, but better not to take chances. Ranger shrugged.

"Could be. It could also be just a random drive by. A turf war could be starting up again. Could be a drug dispute."

"The owner, Julian, he seemed okay to me."

"Julian's a good guy." Something in the way he said it let me know Ranger's opinion was rock solid.

"He a friend of yours?" I asked him, unable to restrain my curiosity.

"Yeah," Ranger's attention was on something behind me. I looked back in time to see Tank tucking the teddy bear of mysterious origins in with Haley.

Just when I thought this night couldn't possibly get any weirder it kept proving me wrong. The image of the very large, scary, possible mercenary holding a teddy bear was one I couldn't have cobbled together my most cracked-out dream. Tank of all people! The man I had seen throw a drug dealer out of a third story window. I rubbed my eyes and turned back to Ranger. It was safer that way.

Okay, maybe not safer really, I mean now I was looking at a guy who sent even my hormones into overdrive. But I was used to this. I could handle Ranger, sort of. I wasn't sure I could handle a teddy bear toting Tank.

Ranger was grinning. "I think you just ruined your image," he said quietly as the large scary man himself ambled over.

"Huh. Remind me throw the manager out the window or something."

I turned to look at him, praying he was joking. The shit-eating grin on his face was enough proof for me.

"See, Boss? I still got it."

I rolled my eyes. "How'd you know about the bear anyway?" Both men looked at me skeptically.

"You don't remember the other night?" Ranger spoke first.

"No. Apparently the funny colored drinks in test tubes induce some serious amnesia." Damn what had I missed? I really needed to ask Haley about that night.

The two monkeys just shook their heads, smiling like cats stuffed with proverbial canaries. Disgusted I turned my attention to the blinking light on my answering machine. One message. Huh, that was an all time record low. I had been ready for at least ten from my mom alone. Maybe the Burg grapevine really did sleep.

I pressed play so I wouldn't have to turn around and look at the two grinning idiots.

The voice that came through the speaker was gratingly electronic, spoken through one of those microphones that morph your voice. "Warning number two, curly sue," it growled. "Back off now or baby gets it."

That old familiar feeling of sick dread washed over me. I stepped away from the machine slowly, unwilling to touch it. Ranger saved me the trouble, flipping out the little mini tape. "You got an extra?"

I just nodded. I had several extras, left over investments from the Benito Ramirez days. Tank and Ranger were exchanging identically grim looks, the kind that normally made me have nervous daydreams about third world countries or losing bladder control. Thankfully they weren't directed at me, just the little innocuous piece of plastic in Ranger's hand.

I left them to hold their ESP conversation and watched Rex run on his wheel. I tallied up the last couple days in my head. Yesterday my new car had been bombed, I'd found out my so-called sort-of boyfriend was screwing his so-called ex, and had bonded with the A-team over lunch. Today I got to take some very theraputic vengeance on the ex, had a freaky confrontation with him only to be saved by Batman, and found out my cousin was shot. And by the sound of that message it was because of me.

"Number two. That's the guy who putt the bomb on my car... Haley has to go home," I announced to the room at large. "She's going to get killed here because of me."

"Babe, no one's going to kill Haley," Ranger said softly. "Are you in the middle of any cases right now? What would this person want you to back out of?"

"Nothing," I sighed. "I'm not in the middle of anything. The most dangerous skips I have right now are Dougie and Mooner." I watched Rex working away on his wheel. I really should get him some more exciting exercise equipment. "The only people I know really want me dead are the Slayers, but they'd just go for me. Why would they threaten Haley first?"

"Scare tactics?" Tank sounded thoughtful. "Or maybe it's easier to get to you without a shadow."

"Something isn't adding up." Ranger didn't sound thrilled about it either.

Great, I'd managed to attract yet another psycho killer. And now they'd decided to take my family along for the ride. Have I mentioned lately that I need a new life?

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	9. Chapter 8: Morning Discussions

_Disclaimer:_ You guessed it, I am not Janet Evnaovich. I do not hold the copyright to this stuff. I'm just playing, especially with Ranger..

_Note:_ Thanks everyone for sticking this out! And just in case you don't know yet: The old plotline has been relocated to Caribbean Blue, and it's remaining unchanged. This is just for the writer's happiness because I didn't like how the story shifted styles in the middle. So here is a more normal story (erm, sort of), to be followed by the not-so-normal one.

**Chapter 8**

The next morning I found Haley watching _Animaniacs _and munching on a bagel. I shuddered when I saw the open tub of cream cheese. Fat Free. No wonder she was anemic.

I poured myself a bowl of Frosted Flakes and settled into the couch next to her.

"What is the fascination with this show?" I hat to ask.

"I have no idea. I think it might be my secret obsession with Pinky and the Brain." Haley giggled. "Tonight, Pinky, we take over the world!" she announced grandly.

"You need help," I laughed.

"It's a possibility."

"How's the shoulder? We should probably change your bandage later." I felt that she was entitled to fair warning about that upcoming unpleasantness. She grimaced.

"Yick. D and the guys always bitch about getting shot. Now I know why. Good thing I'm a girl, though. I don't have to prove I'm all manly and not take the pain pills."

I frowned, wondering for the umpteenth time what it was that Dom was involved with nowadays. "So other than the gun shot, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

Haley shook her head. "Well, cleaning tables is even more icky than I thought it would be. People are such slobs! And then there are the guys who think because you're waiting on them that they own you.

"My feet are killing me, but I made some great tips. Especially from the RangeMan guys. I think Bobby and Tank must have brought the whole company with them." She smiled, brightening a little. "They were really great. And Julian says that he's going to have to keep me because I'm so good for business. They almost emptied the bar."

I rolled my eyes. "Almost? They must not have been trying."

"Yeah, a few of them said they were taking it easy on account of they're working today. Oh, and Sally says hi. Him and the New Lovelies are so popular that Julian's hiring them to a regular gig."

"That's great!" I made a mental note to call Sally later to congratulate him.

"Yeah," Haley said, her eyes shifting gears. She leaned forward, and I swear I could almost see her ears perking up. "Now, Wonder Woman, you had better spill. Have you heard from Detective Douche yet?" I nodded.

"Yep. He had a bitch of a night," I said with a grin. "First his dog getting sick all over, then he realized his bike was missing... and apparently Bob ate the keys. Can you imagine?" I tried to sound scandalized.

Haley's eyes widened in mock horror. "Well I never!" she drawled, "Don't that just beat all?"

"Oh, and he must have had his mommy come to help clean up the mess. She found the sheep picture."

"Hm, too bad she didn't find the duck one. That was much better than a sheep. Almost as good as if that blond skank found the gay porn." Haley's eyes were sparking with glee at the idea.

"Oh it was bad enough as it was," I assured her. "Especially when he found out his bike was 'missing.' He felt the need to drop by and interrogate me in person."

Haley was suddenly very serious. "What happened?"

"Nothing," I said lightly, "we ended up fighting and I was trying to stun him when Ranger came by to tell me you were at the hospital."

"Oh, I bet that went well."

I shrugged. "It managed to convince Joe to leave a lot easier."

"I'd imagine," Haley smiled knowingly. I glared at her.

"For once and all, nothing is going on with Ranger and I."

"Uh-huh. You go, Cleopatra." She rolled her eyes and zoned back into the tv.

I let a few minutes pass before I attempted to bring up the decision I'd made last night.

"Haley, I love having you here..."

"I'm not going home, Stephanie." She hadn't even looked away from the screen. Did everyone have ESP but me?

"I heard you talking last night. I wasn't fully out, just drifting."

"You almost got blown up, and then you got shot! It's not safe here."

Haley fixed me with the Cheerleader Death Glare. "There are all different kinds of dangers, Steph. Nowhere is safe."

I wondered if she realized how unnerving it was for her to go from human fluff to making sense. Probably not. I returned her glare with one of my own Burg style.

"Yeah. But at home you don't get shot."

"You ever been out in the country during deer season?" she asked. I lost my glare power in the face of the total randomness of the question.

"Huh?"

"Deer season. All these yuppy idiots go get hunters licenses and run around the countryside shooting anything that moves and isn't orange. Trust me, I've been shot at before. Considering some of those idiots, I was probably safer in the drive-by. At least they weren't actually aiming specifically at me."

I couldn't really think of anything to say on that one. "You almost got blown up."

"Carrie and Garret blew up Mr. Hollingsworth's old barn last year at a party. They were only trying to destroy this little crate but they used too much explosive. Oh, and they also threw a chunk of mercury into the fish pond that time... So I've already been almost blown up lots of times. It's not that new."

My mind scrambled for new possible arguments. Here I had pictured small town life as safe, slow-paced, and generally calm. Kind of like the Andy Griffith Show or something.

"You are so sheltered, Steph," Haley sighed. "And don't try bringing up the Slayers either. They don't have shit on the Klan."

Now my jaw hit the floor along with my brain. "Klan? Spelled with a K?"

Haley waved away my shock. "Well, more or less. There aren't that many of them around anymore. It's nothing like it used to be. They aren't that organized and they try to stay out of sight for the most part. Doesn't mean they aren't mean as snakes, though."

"I thought that died out years ago..."

"The South shall rise again, Stephie." Her eyes were dead serious. "It always does."

"Fine. No more shock tactics. You win." I knew when I was defeated, and occasionally I would admit it. This was one of those times. "But, Haley, these people are targeting you to get to me. You have got to be careful."

"I will be. Right now, I'll be really careful not to leave the apartment. These pills make me dizzy."

While I went to empty my bowl and feed Rex, Haley's cell phone went off. I heard her answer it and turned to ask who it was calling this early. I knew in a heartbeat something was wrong. Her face had paled, her shoulders slumped, and I heard the person on the other end of the phone from where I was standing. Someone was mad... "Alec I..." More yelling. "Alec please!" she tried again. "It's not like that and you know it! I'm not coming home. The wedding is off, I told you that...." Her desperate gaze finally locked on mine.

"Breathe, Haley!" I whispered, walking closer. I heard the voice on the other end of the phone- male, angry, and... oh my god! My vision went red as I heard the insults coming out of the other end of the phone. Names and accusations I wouldn't have made against Joyce Bernhardt. I silently vowed if I ever met Alec I was going to nail him with Big Blue. Twice. Maybe more. "Hang up, Haley," I said quietly.

Haley shook her head, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes they had an expression I only saw on Lula after someone called her fat. "No. Alec I am not with Dom, I am not with anyone except my family." I heard an insinuation dealing with incest and Kentucky. "You are sick," she growled, "And you wonder why I won't marry you? No, you listen to me. Fuck off. Get out of my life. And if I hear from you again, I'm gonna call my stepdad and put a restraining order on your ass. So go to hell. And don't call back." She flipped the phone shut.

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and patted her on the back admiringly. She had gone from kicked puppy to rhino in under 5 seconds. Maybe we were more related than I thought. "You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah. Got any more Oreos?"

"In the cabinet." I watched her yank out the Oreos and the jar of peanut butter next to it. Ah, the glories of self medication! She dunked a cookie in the peanut butter and sighed contentedly, all the tension easing out of her. We were definitely related. "Hey, want to go pick up a skip with me?"

"Is it a dangerous one?"

"Nah, He probably just forgot his court date. I think you've met him before, actually. Does the name Mooner sound familiar?"

Haley was laughing. "Okay, but wasn't I supposed to stay in today?"

"The most strenuous part of apprehending those two us sitting through a few _Gilligan's Island_ reruns."

"Cool. I love _Gilligan's Island_!"


	10. Chapter 9: To the Moon

_Disclaimer:_ Nope, still haven't managed to thieve the rights to the Plumverse. So it all belongs to Janet, except for Haley. But that's negotiable.

_Note:_ Thanks to everyone for sticking with me through this whole fiasco. And thanks for the great reviews and feedback!

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Chapter 9

The couch was ringing. Actually it was playing the Jaws theme. I quickly dug through the cushions in search oShe hadn't handled the bandage-changing very well.

"Connie. She has another file for me. Look, maybe you should stay here after all…"

"And sit around with the phone ringing off the hook with people wanting to know about last night? Hell no!"

She had a point. Plus we were going to be using her car, since I wouldn't get mine back until Tuesday. I wasn't sure if the department was actually that slow about searching it or if they were selling tickets to show off the only Stephanie Plum car to survive an attempted tared at the piece of plastic in my hand. Connie had just offered to save me a donut? I wondered if the end was near after all.

"Who was it?" Haley asked, coming out of the bathroom looking pale and a little unsteady. She hadn't handled the bandage-changing very well.

"Connie. She has another file for me. Look, maybe you should stay here after all…"

"And sit around with the phone ringing off the hook with people wanting to know about last night? Hell no!"

She had a point. Plus we were going to be using her car, since I wouldn't get mine back until Tuesday. I wasn't sure if the department was actually that slow about searching it or if they were selling tickets to show off the only Stephanie Plum car to survive an attempted bombing.

"All right. Let's go then, but if you need to we are coming straight home and you're laying down."

"Aye-aye, mon capitaine."

I pulled up in front of Dougie's house a few minutes later. Mooner always stayed with Dougie. Occasionally he stayed with other stoners but Dougie's was the residence of choice, probably because it was an actual house in a decent neighborhood. Or maybe he just like Dougie, it was hard to say what went on in the few fried synapses left in Mooner's head.

Haley followed me up to the house, steady on her feet now, but looking a little gray from the ride over. I kept an eye on her while I knocked on the door.

It took a minute but someone stumbled up to the other side, and I heard a muffled "Dudette!" before the door swung open, revealing Mooner. He was dressed in baggy jeans and an even baggier shirt. He was also about half baked from the look of him.

The smoke drifted out from behind him. Christ, I could have a contact high and not even go in the door.

"Mooner, you missed your court date."

"Whoah. I'm like seeing double here!" he stared from me to Haley and back.

"No you're not. I look nothing like her!" Haley protested.

Mooner' s eyes widened. "Cool! You got cloned, Bombshell! She's kinda shorter, and stuff but they say clones aren't actually identical to the original, you know."

"We aren't clones." I sighed. This routine was getting old. But flattering. Nice to know I looked twenty. "Mooner, this is Haley, my cousin."

They shook hands, both of them grinning. Great, they were probably on the same cloud by now.

"Cool, Haley. I gotcha, the cloning's probably a secret, right? One of those secret government superhero type things right. I got my super suit on already. We should all fight some crime together."

"Let's discuss it on the way to the station?" Haley suggested. "I can't do crimefighting just now," she pointed to her bandaged arm. "I got shot."

"Whoah, that's hardcore!" Mooner sounded awed.

I tugged on his arm. "Come on, we have to get you bonded back out. I'll pick you up for your next court date."

"Thanks dudette," Mooner hugged me. "You are the greatest."

I tried not to think about how I was probably now smelling like pot and stepped past him to get the house locked up.

"She's good people," Haley said in agreement as we all headed back to the car.

"She's like saved my life," Mooner said proudly.

"Seriously?" Haley was the one in awe now. "What happened?"

While Mooner launched into a complicated and slightly disjointed account of the deChooch incident I drove to the station, windows down.

By the time I parked outside the squat, square building that served as the headquarters of Trenton's finest, the original topic had been forgotten in favor of an off-key rendition of the Tiny Toon Adventures song.

"I hate to break this up," I almost yelled over the noise. "But we have to get you inside." I looked at Mooner pointedly before I exited the car. He shrugged and angled out, then moved the seat up to let Haley out of what was theoretically the back seat. It was more of a bucket seat-shaped shelf. Probably comfy if you didn't have legs.

Then again, Haley was short enough she didn't seem to mind it much. She carefully maneuvered her way out. She almost made it out without an incident, but her sandal snagged on the seatbelt as she stepped out. She yelped in surprise and fell forward. Mooner tried to catch her, but she had too much momentum.

A couple shrieks and a loud thud. By the time I got around the car they were both on the ground, looking a little dazed.

"Are you alright?" I knelt down to examine both the victims.

Haley glared at me around a curl that had fallen into her face. "Peachy bloody keen."

"Dude, that was intense!" Mooner muttered.

"Painful, Mooner. Painful is the word you want." Haley was poking at a fresh cut on her knee.

"That too."

"You gonna be okay here?" I asked Haley. "Or do you want to come in?"

"I'm going to avoid walking. I'm a danger to myself and others right now," she sighed, putting a hand over her knee.

"All right, this shouldn't take long," I assured her and set about hauling Mooner to his feet.

Once we actually managed to get into the station it didn't take too long at all. My main concern was that Morelli would show up and make a scene. Thank god he didn't appear, or I would have probably just ran like a chicken. I only had enough courage for one major issue today, and that was reserved for the upcoming grill session with Connie and Lula.

I was a few hundred dollars richer and breathing a sigh of relief on the steps outside when I saw Crazy Carl Costanza headed my direction. So much for the no scene idea. I mentally cracked my knuckles, not having any idea of what to expect, but preparing for the worst.

"Hey, Stephanie," Carl said, looking a little uncomfortable.

"Hi, Carl. How much money did you lose on me this time?" He shook his head and gave me his crazy guy grin.

"Actually none. There was some dispute about the pool because it was your car, but you weren't around and it didn't blow up." I shook my head.

"I was meaning the Morelli-Plum break-up pool."

"You know about that one?" he looked stunned.

"I have my ways," I said mysteriously. Carl laughed, but sobered immediately.

"Steph, we didn't know... I mean," He shuffled his feet, and looked down. It reminded me of 9th grade when he'd asked me to the Spring Fling and had been so tongue-tied I'd finally gotten impatient and asked him.

"Carl, if this is an apology for not knowing or telling me, it's ok," I said softly. "It's over now. Besides, I wouldn't want Haley to be forced to give him another black eye publicly." Carl got the crazy grin back.

"Oh, don't worry. He's already got a matching set, courtesy of Big Dog."

My mouth dropped open- I didn't even think Big Dog liked me, or maybe he just didn't like Morelli. Carl's grin widened.

"And a pretty crooked nose courtesy of yours truly."

Crap, I really was back in high school. I knew for a fact Carl and Eddie had both saved my honor from more than a few rumors, and had done some massive attempts at damage control after the Tasty Pastry incident. I have some really great friends.

Without giving it another thought I took a step forward, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before I hugged him as hard as I could. Carl was annoying, he made fun of me, and bet on my life, but he had made the Spring Fling one of my best high school memories and he had just busted Morelli's scummy skank-chasing nose.

Carl hugged me back briefly and the pushed away, looking embarrassed. I watched him look around to make sure nobody had seen. I didn't have the heart to tell him at least three of the sergeants had nearly fallen out of the second floor window.

"Thanks, Carl. And tell Big Dog too," I said smiling. "You just made my night. But I gotta go or Haley's probably going to pass out in the car," I added seeing Robin Russell approaching with a smirk on her face.

"Yeah," he said. "I heard about the drive-by. Maybe she ought to try a different club. That's not the greatest neighborhood anymore."

"I'll talk to her about it," I said and waved as I hurried off. Russell was closing in fast.

I was almost out of earshot when I heard Carl's voice on the breeze. "Morelli is a fuckin' idiot."

My Cheshire cat grin was still in place when I angled into the car. Haley's eyebrows raised a little.

"The bond couldn't have been that high."

I shook my head and laughed. "I have the greatest friends."

"Explain, please. I'm too doped up to use my magical ESP abilities."

"Big Dog gave Morelli that matching black eye you threatened him with. And Carl added a new nose."

Haley clapped her hands in delight. "I love Carl and Big Dog! Who are they? Oh, I don't care, I'll meet them later. You do have great friends."


	11. Chapter 10: Shake it up

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own this world I'm playing with. It's Janet's. But I promise to put everything back where I found it. Even Ranger.

Note: Please read and review. All thoughts are welcome. Except flames. Flames do no one any good, especiallly since I'm fresh out of marshmallows.

i-forgot-my-name : Thanks for the reviews! I'll try to keep it coming. I'm really glad you're enjoying the new version. :)

Chapter 10

We had barely reached the office when I noticed the small drop of blood trailing down Haley's arm. Damn.

She looked down to see what I was scowling at and went a shade paler. "Does this mean you have to do the bandage thing again?" she whimpered.

"Yeah. Maybe we should get you back and see about stitches instead."

"No! Just let me bleed to death. No stitches."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be such a big baby."

"I'm not being a baby! I just hate needles."

"Come on inside. Connie should have some first aid stuff."

I angled out of the Cougar and headed in, Haley shuffling behind me like a beaten puppy. Connie and Lula on the other hand did their impression of bloodhounds as we walked through the door. I could almost see their ears perk up.

"Hey white girls!" Lula exclaimed. "How about a donut?" She waved a couple glazed, gooey treats as enticement.

"White cream?" Haley asked.

"O' course. And a Boston Crème for Dr. Evil."

"No donut until we redo your arm," I glared at Haley. "I don't want you throwing up on me."

Haley's blue eyes widened a little, taking on a teary look. She looked adorable and pitiful. I should never have taught her the Bambi eyes. Hell, I knew it was a ploy and I was still fighting the urge to give in.

"She needs a shot of courage," Connie chimed in.

"No," I repeated. "Bandage first." I pushed her down onto the couch. "Connie, you got that first aid kit? I need to get her arm fixed."

Connie reached into her desk and produced the kit in question. I began the task of pulling up the bandages. Actually it wasn't that bad, she'd just pulled one of the butterfly thingies loose that was holding everything together. I pushed it back down, ignoring the squishy feeling in my stomach at the sight of the blood and scabbing. I'd seen worse, and sadly enough the worse I'd seen was usually on me.

It didn't take long to retape the bandages and add some fresh gauze, but I still thought we ought to have a real doctor check it out.

"You're done," I announced. "We are going to the doctor later, though."

"Hmm," Haley ignored the comment and headed for the donuts. "Thanks, cous."

"So, what went on last night? We heard you were at the hospital. Word is you got shot by the Slayers," Lula told me.

"Nope," Haley snatched the crème-filled donut and scampered over to sit on Lula's desk. "There was drive-by at Underground when I was getting off work. I got nicked with a ricochet or something before Tank decided to play body shield."

She had Lula's attention. "Tank? That fine lookin' hunk that works with Ranger?"

"The one and only. He and Bobby took me to the hospital."

"Geez," Connie rolled her eyes. "You two have all the luck, I swear. Steph here gets the two finest asses in Trenton chasing her, and now you're here like two days and you got full-body exposure to one of the nicest hunks of male I know."

Lula was eyeing us both critically. "Must be some genetic hormone type thing."

"It's a gift." Haley flipped her hair and winked. I snorted.

"Funny, I thought it was more of a curse. Not like we can claim we've got anybody stellar running around."

"Ranger," Haley pointed out. "And Joe used to be. His case of total bastard-itis is kind of a recent development. A pity that."

"Speaking of Joe…" Connie's eyes had narrowed. "What was that about Macy's parking lot?"

"Yeah!" Lula stalked toward me, a High Inquisitor in shocking pink spandex. "Seems you punched out Morelli and then were seen having lunch with Ranger?"

"Hey!" Haley yelped indignantly. "I punched him!"

Lula's eyes widened and she looked Haley up and down in disbelief. "You got to be kiddin' me."

"Well, it was kind of a sucker punch, but he deserved it."

"How'd you get a punch off on someone like him? He's a tough guy." Connie was giving Haley an appraising look. I could see why- Haley looked like a piece of fluff. Curly brown hair, big blue eyes, barely 5'2 and disgustingly perfect figure. I really don't get everyone's twins observations.

Haley's grin was almost evil. "I distracted him."

Now she had even my attention.

"What did you do?" I demanded.

"I suggested we go back to his place and talk about it _in private_. If he was off duty. He said he was and it was fine. He was probably already planning what to talk about in which position when I nailed him."

Typical he'd think I'd just cave like that. Then again, I usually did lately. Mainly I'd felt guilty about the Slayer stuff… Ugh. I wasn't in the mood to think about this.

"Hey, Connie, you said you had a new file?" I asked hopefully wanting to redirect the line of conversation. I handed her my body receipt for Mooner.

"Right here," Connie pointed to the corner of her desk and started writing my check.

"Quit gossiping! I don't pay you to talk about Ranger's employees!" Vinnie bellowed through the door.

Connie scowled and started rifling through her desk. "God damn it. He put another bug in here…"

Lula started sifting through the mess on top of her own area. Haley joined in the effort. I took the lull to look through my new file.

Agnes Chandler, age 74. Guh, I hate getting old people. It never goes well. I scanned down the rest of it. No priors, arrested for braining a couple police officers with her purse when they pulled her over for imprudent driving. And she lived outside the city limits, more into the suburbs.

"Haley, you up for a scenic tour?" I asked.

"Sure," She licked some frosting off her hand. "Just hope you don't mind if I pass out in the car."

"No problem. Let's head out."

"You need any more help?" Lula asked. Connie shot her a dirty look.

"You have work to do." She gestured a freshly painted nail to the large pile of folders sitting by the filing cabinets.

Normally I'd have bailed Lula out, but the look on Connie's face wasn't one I wanted to argue with. I liked my kneecaps exactly the way they were.

"Yeah, but that's an old lady. You have to watch the old ones on account of they're wily. It takes extra help to nab an old one."

She did have a point. I looked at Haley, who was yawning. Yeah, just the kind of alert back-up I'd need. Then again, it was a little old lady arrested for hitting someone with her purse…

And deChooch was just a little old guy in need of Viagra. Uncle Mo was just a sweet candy shop owner.

"I might need help if Haley passes out," I said thoughtfully, keeping my eyes on Connie.

"Hey, I can do babysitter! I can sit yo' ass off!"

"I don't need baby-sat!" Haley was scowling. So was Connie.

"I need these files done."

"We'll keep this visit short, Connie," I crossed my heart and did the Boyscout motion. "An hour, tops."

She sighed but finally nodded.

"I found it!" Haley yelled, holding up a small bit of electronics she'd pulled from the underside of Lula's desk. Connie took it from her, placed it on the floor, and stomped on it with a satisfying crunch.

"Dead bug!" Haley laughed.

"Dead ferret, if he ain't careful," Lula muttered, glaring at Vinnie's door darkly.

"We have an hour, girls. Better get headed out," I announced.

It took a little debate but we ended up taking Lula's red Firebird, mainly because none of us were sure she'd fit in the Cougar. Haley got the back seat again, or what passed for a backseat rather, because she was the littlest. Hah, it doesn't always pay to be skinny.

She didn't mind though, having lasted all of 3.5 minutes before passing out into a pain-free coma. We had just hit the city limits, Usher's voice blaring around us, the bass rattling our teeth, when somewhere up there God tipped over his heavenly bucket o' rain and released a full out douwnpour.

"Shit!" Lula cursed, kicking the wipers into high gear. "I hate driving the this crap."

"We could go back," I said uncertainly, clutching the 'oh shit' handle.

"Nah. We already half there. Another twenty minutes…"

"So, I heard you got a new boyfriend?" I suggested for a change of topic.

Lula laughed and waved a hand in the air. "We just friends right now. But he is damn good in the sack…"

Several minutes passed as she caught me up to date on her love life. I'd almost managed to forget the urge to panic that driving in blinding rain usually causes.

Then the other car flew out of some hidden side road from hell. A huge Oldsmobile mammouth the size of Big Blue and probably just as sturdy. I caught sight of the hood ornament a split second before it slammed into the rear passenger side. I don't even know if I screamed. I think someone did, but it could have been the shriek of twisting metal and tires. Glass shattered, a flash of pain, and everything went dark.


	12. Chapter 11: Rescued or Not

Disclaimer: I do not own Stephanie Plum or any of the characters or plots in it. That honor goes to Janet Evanovich. Haley and the St. Louis crew are mine, but I'm willing to sell if you really want them…

Note: Hey all! Thanks for sticking with me through the whole story name-change and the rewrites and all that jazz. It's very much appreciated! And thank you to all my wonderful readers who send me lovely wonderful feedback!

BGLI: Sorry you don't like the new plotline. The old one is still going to happen, it's now entitled Caribbean Blue and will be posted here in a couple weeks. I just didn't like how the story switched into something totally different in the middle of everything.

Chapter 11

I woke up to the intense misery that can only be summed up in two dreadful, gut-wrenching words: wet jeans.

Blech. My jeans were soaked. So was the rest of me, of course, but the jeans were what broke the camel's yuck factor. There was also something warm and sticky running down my face but I didn't want to think about that one too much. My body ached, and I was pretty sure I was going to be one solid bruise tomorrow. I could feel where I'd hit the seatbelt. I think it tried to cut off my right boob. But my toes worked, and my legs. Yep, the arms were still attached too. I opened my eyes reluctantly.

Bad idea. I found myself looking through a shattered windshield, sitting amid a glittering mass of broken glass, some of it stained red. I turned my head slowly to check on Lula.

She was slumped over the driver's side airbag as it slowly deflated. Her eyes were closed and there were some nasty gashes on her arms, but she was breathing.

"Lula!" I croaked out, surprised at how much my throat hurt. I guess I had screamed after all.

She moaned in response. Okay, she was probably coming around, which left Haley. I tried to remember if she had been sitting behind me or Lula, but I just wasn't sure. The car had hit us right behind where I sat, and the entire side was crushed in, a tortured ruin of its former sporty glory.

"Haley?" I tried, fumbling with my seat belt and trying to turn around. There was no response.

"Haley!" I yelled louder, finally freeing myself from the bloodthirsty strip of material. I knelt in the seat to see into the back. Haley was leaning against the side of the car, eyes closed, skin pale, with her arms splayed out like a discarded doll. There was blood pooling slowly, dripping down her neck, down her injured arm, down her legs. She was a mess of scratches and bruises already forming.

"Whassamatta?" Lula groaned, blinking rapidly as she started to come around.

"Lula, wake up! We had a wreck. Are you okay? Can you move?"

She was waking up rapidly now. "I can move fine," she said. "But I don't feel like I want to… what the fuck hit us?"

"An Oldsmobile. From a side road or something."

"Shi-it. Probably some crazy ass old fart…"

"I can't tell if Haley's breathing! We have to get out of the car…"

The faint smell of gas was beginning to filter through my haze of disjointed panic. Lula's too, apparently. She sat up and started shoving at the airbag.

"Fuck fuck FUCK! Steph, you able to get out of your door?"

I looked at what had formerly been my door. It didn't look promising.

"Ok, fine, you gonna have to crawl over the console and get out over here… We can get Mini-Me out this way too." She was already working on her door, kicking the uncooperative fiberglass into submission until it gave up and popped open.

Lula half crawled, half fell out onto the ground, and looked back at me.

I followed her lead, crawling over the console and letting myself topple out of the blessed opening. "Should we move her at all?" I wondered suddenly. "What if she broke her neck or…"

"White girl, you smell that gas? It might not ignite, but you're here, which means I ain't takin' no chances. You want her roasted or broke?"

Put like that I didn't have an argument. I hated it that my presence seemed to make everyone assume something would explode, but it was true I had had more than my share of explosions in recent years.

We pushed the seat forward and set about pulling Haley out of the car. I finally had to crawl back in to unfasten her seatbelt. It sounded so easy, unfastening something. It wasn't. My hands were shaking, everything was wet from the rain, and the belt was stubborn. Cursing it the entire time I finally got it to let loose.

Lula took Haley's legs and I supported her top half while we sort of backed her out. It wasn't the most graceful rescue ever, but it was pretty well timed.

I had barely cleared the car when we heard that unnerving pop and hiss of something igniting. Lula and I shared a glance of unmitigated terror.

Hauling Haley between us we set off as fast as we could for the opposite side of the road and the safety provided by the embankment.

The explosion itself knocked us the last few feet to safety.

"My baby," Lula sniffled softly when we were getting our breath back. "Some old geezer just killed my baby!"

"Shoot me. Just kill me," Haley moaned beside us.

I leaned over her and shook her shoulder carefully. "Hey, sleeping beauty. Rise and shine."

"I don't think that's a good idea." He eyes opened slowly. "See? I told you so. You look like hell, Stephie."

I laughed at that. "So do you."

"Lula?"

"I'm here," Lula said, her voice subdued. "I guess we lucky we woke up."

"The car what went boom?"

"Yeah," I lifted my head up to check out the smoking remains. The air was thick with the smell of burnt rubber, hot metal, and gas.

"Ambulance?" Haley asked hopefully.

"My cell phone ain't got service," Lula said, producing her new flip phone to glare at it reproachfully. "Can you hear me now… fuckers…"

My cell was in my purse. In the car. Which was now in car heaven.

"Someone had to have seen the huge ball of fire," I said. "Probably they're on their way now."

"Probably they just called," Lula added.

"Yeah. I'm sure someone will drive by soon," Haley sighed.

So we huddled there, on the side of the road, shivering in the rain even though it was a surprisingly warm day. It felt like hours before we heard the rumble of a distant engine, but it might have been minutes. We all turned hopefully toward the approaching noise, praying for a squad car, an ambulance, a Little Debbie delivery truck.

What we got was a white Lincoln Town Car. It pulled over, the driver's window powering down to reveal a little old lady with blue hair and a sweet smile.

"Is everyone all right?" Her voice was as sweet as her smile, and held the traces of a Southern Belle accent.

"We think so, ma'am," Haley tried her winning smile but it wasn't very convincing. "Need a little patching up, drying off, and a ride… you have a phone we could use?"

The lady nodded. "Well I'll take you to the hospital. You just hop on in and we'll go get you situated."

"We're bleeding… We can't get in!" Great, leave it to a moment like this to bring out my damned Burg training. The good Southern lady laughed at me.

"Honey, I got leather interior. Get on in, before you catch your death."

We crowded into the back seat, keeping Haley sandwiched between us, the better to keep her awake. The lady waited for us to get settled, then pulled out onto the road. There was another lady, this one considerably more angular, but with a similarly pleasant face.

"I'm Mrs. Townsend," the driver told us with another smile, "And this is Mrs. McPherson."

"Nice to meet you," I told them.

"Did you girls use your cell phones out there?" Mrs. McPherson asked. "My grandson always has his cell phone on."

"No service," Lula grumbled. "Never is when you need it."

"That's the way of things, dearie," Mrs. Townsend sighed. "Always has been."

"I feel sick," Haley whimpered.

"Probably from the blood loss," Mrs. McPherson said calmly and handed back a package of Saltine crackers. "We'll be there in a few minutes more."

Haley looked at the Saltines and if possible actually turned a shade grayer. She passed them to Lula who opened them and began munching.

"Thank you, ma'am," Haley said politely.

That was it for conversation for a few more minutes, until Mrs. Townsend let out a surprisingly colorful string of curses.

"Damn it all, girls, the car's overheating. We need to pull off for a couple minutes."

What happened next was disturbing. We had barely pulled off when the two ladies turned around in their seats and reached back toward us. For old ladies, these two sure moved fast. Mrs. McPherson wrapped her talons around my arm and I had only a second to recognize the stun gun in her other hand before I felt the old familiar jolt and passed out.

My last thought was one of annoyance at the amount of my life that seemed doomed to be wasted on unconsciousness.


	13. Chapter 12: Waking Up in the Dark

Disclaimer: Stephanie, Lula, and the whole Plumverse are still the property of Janet Evanovich. And since I am not her clone, her evil twin, or the lady herself, I don't own them. I'm just playing with it, and promise to return it to the way I found it. I won't even make any profit off any of this. So there.

Note: Thank you everyone for the support and kind reviews! Feedback is always much appreciated. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

i-forgot-my-name: Thank you ck, and apparently asleep, the sensation of needles driving into every nerve ending was enough to bring tears to my eyes and force me to bite back a scream.

"If it isn't Curly Sue and Baby Blue," a familiarly synthesized voice jeered from somewhere overhead. "Third time's a charm, darling dears."

Someone had a sense of drama and bad nicknames…

"Who the hell are you?" My voice was hoarse and it hurt to talk.

"I suppose," said a familiar sweet voice, "we could was consumed by a dull, throbbing ache. I was having a full body migraine. I opened my eyes but that didn't help anything. It was pitch black wherever I was, except for a dim sliver of light slanting down from somewhere overhead.

My arms were behind my back, and apparently asleep, the sensation of needles driving into every nerve ending was enough to bring tears to my eyes and force me to bite back a scream.

"If it isn't Curly Sue and Baby Blue," a familiarly synthesized voice jeered from somewhere overhead. "Third time's a charm, darling dears."

Someone had a sense of drama and bad nicknames…

"Who the hell are you?" My voice was hoarse and it hurt to talk.

"I suppose," said a familiar sweet voice, "we could say 'your worst nightmare' but that would be going a bit far. And I don't think we are, really. No, that gang hooligan was probably your worst nightmare…"

"Mrs. Townsend?" I was confused. I'd been stunned, kidnapped, and was being held somewhere in a dark, musty, underground sort of room by a couple old ladies. Why me? What did I do in my last life to deserve this kind of karma? Jeez, now I'm sounding like my mother…

"That's right, honey," the lady drawled. "How are y'all feeling?"

"Oh, quit with that crying, Haley Jane," a third voice interrupted. A few sniffles were the only reply, but thankfully the sobbing quit.

"Welcome, dears. I'm afraid that this is the end…" the synthesizer growled and grated.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Hattie. Enough with that damned thing!" Mrs. Townsend didn't sound happy.

"Well, fine. You have no sense of drama." This I guessed was from 'Hattie,' who sounded suspiciously like Mrs. McPherson.

"Enough, both of you. Let's leave them to stew. We have to figure out what to do with the negro and how to do the deeds," the third voice ordered.

"Goodbye girls!" Mrs. Townsend called down to us.

"Wait! Wait! What are you going to do?" I yelled.

"Oh, don't worry your pretty little head about that. You'll find out soon!"

The three old biddies cackled madly and I heard the sound of a heavy door swinging shut somewhere above us.

"I'm sorry, Stephie." Haley was somewhere to my left, from the sound of her voice, which was raw and teary. "I didn't notice… I thought it was all a little hinky, but I didn't recognize her and now it's too late…" she broke off in another sob.

I closed my eyes and tried to sort through our situation. Haley was clearly in hysterics, possibly had a concussion or something from the car wreck- hell, I might have a concussion… and Lula… crap. Where was Lula?

The biddies had said something about a 'negro.' That meant Lula was somewhere else. I didn't know if that gave me hope or not. Ok, Lula was MIA. Haley was here, at least…

We were in a dark room, probably underground. I was lying on what I thought was a mattress. But my hands weren't in cuffs. They were tied with something.

I could work with that, hopefully.

"Haley?"

Sniffling.

"Haley, listen to me. How's your head?"

"I'm dizzy, Stephie. The world's going all spinny."

Shit. "That's ok, just focus. We have to get out of here, right?"

"They're going to kill us, Steph." I heard the edge of panic in her voice. "They're grandmas, and they're gonna kill us… I'm so sorry. I didn't r-recognize her… It'd been so long since then and I just didn't think-"

"Recognize who, Haley? Focus, here." I sat up and began tugging and straining my hands against whatever was holding them.

"Great Aunt Hattie. I'd never met Great Aunt Zelda…"

I stopped working on the ties and stared over to the blob of darkness I was assuming to be my cousin.

"Great Aunts? You're related to those psychos?"

"Grandpa Thorne's sisters. I've only met Hattie once, a really long time ago."

I sat there stunned for a minute. This didn't make any sense. Haley's great aunts had been threatening me to back off of something and were going to kill us both because of it? I began to feel a little nauseous.

I thought _my_ family members were the crazy ones…

There wasn't time for this. I had to get free, get Haley free, and we had to find Lula, then get the hell away from the crazy old ladies…

"Can you get your hands free, Pixie?"

"No," Haley sniffled. "I got them around in front of me, but the knot's really tight."

"Scoot over here," I suggested.

A few moments of blind fumbling before Haley bumped into me.

"See if you can get mine undone, we'll try it that way."

"M-my hands are shaking…" she was ready to burst into hysterics all over again.

I took a deep breath and begged whoever was listening for a little bit of patience. I'd have been just as messed up if Grandma Mazur's sisters had shown up trying to kill me right after I'd been through a car wreck. I racked my brain for ideas on how to keep her calm… What would Ranger do if he were here?

"We're going to get out of here, ok? Just stay with me, Pixie. Get the ropes undone, okay?" I kept my voice as calm and emotionless as I could. Don't let her hear how scared I am…

"Ropes," Haley repeated softly, and I felt her hands begin tugging on the knots around my wrists.

The knots had been cruelly tight, and I hadn't managed to loosen them even a fraction with my struggling, so I was preparing for a very long wait while Haley worked on them. I almost couldn't believe it when they fell away from me within seconds.

"Girl scouts." I could almost hear the echo of a smile in Haley's voice.

"Huh. We never learned anything that useful when I was in them. Mostly we learned no bake brownies," I muttered, turning around to fumble for Haley's wrists.

It took me considerably longer, but I finally managed the task.

While Haley rubbed the circulation back into her hands, I stood up on the dirt floor and started edging my way around the room, using the wall as my guide. They were bare stone, cold and faintly damp, so I figured my guess about the underground room was correct. The sliver of light turned out to be coming from a boarded up window up by the ceiling, but it wasn't my first choice for an escape route. Too small, too much noise trying to get the board pried off.

I didn't try climbing up the stairs, afraid they'd creak and alert the biddies to fact we were up and around. I wondered why they hadn't tied our legs, but maybe they'd been hoping the head injuries would keep us of our feet for a while longer. In any case I wasn't looking a gift horse in the mouth. I continued around the stairs and returned to the wall.

"Coal chute." Haley whispered across the room. "Look for a coal chute, or a door."

"A door in a basement?"

"They used to have wine cellars or coal cellars sometimes. Either way, the coal chute will lead you outside." She sounded a little more together now, and I thanked whoever had heard my begging and taken pity.

I ran my hands up and down the wall, checking for anything unusual. I was almost back to the mattress when I found it: a metal covering set into the wall itself. I felt over it, looking for the hinges, barely able to breathe for fear of letting out the triumphant yell I knew was waiting. I found the latch and pulled it up.

The ancient metal creaked and groaned as I lifted it, but no one came running. I eased it as slowly as I could until it was all the way up.

"Haley, you're smaller, maybe you should go first?" I suggested, leaning into the opening. Great, just another way for those last eight pounds to kick me in the ass- deny me the possibility of escape from the Old Loony Bin.

"Moving makes me barfy."

"Not moving could get you dead."

"Ugh… which one is which?" she groaned, but I heard her crawling toward me. A head bumped into my leg and I helped her get to her feet with a minimum of swaying and whimpering.

"In you go," I said, putting my hand over the back of her head and ducking her down so she could scramble into the tunnel without giving herself another possible concussion.

"Let me make sure it's clear!" her voice was muffled as I heard her begin making her way up the thing.

It felt like eons passed in silence before the muted yelps and curses started drifting out.

"Ewewewewewew…. I'm gonna hurl… gross… urgh… I wish D were here…"

'I wish Ranger were here,' I thought to myself. I began to wonder if we were going to make it out of here after all. What if the chute was blocked? What then?

And Lula- I couldn't leave her with the geriatric goon squad… I stood there lost in thoughts of a steadily declining spiral until I realized I hadn't heard anything more out of Haley.

I leaned over and poked my head in.

"Haley?"

"Shhh… Quiet," she hissed back down at me. I couldn't see her, but she didn't sound so good. Before I could ask her anything more another sound caught my ear.

The door to the basement was creaking open. I heard the biddies cackling.

"I can't wait to try out these things. Tranquilizer darts! We can pretend we're on an African game hunt!" Mrs. McPherson sounded almost giddy.

I scrambled into the coal chute without another thought, letting the ancient metal door slide down behind me, cushioning it a little with my foot so it didn't crash against the frame. I didn't pause to see if they'd noticed, I just started crawling forward and up, sinking my fingers into the dirt to pull myself along.

I had barely even managed a couple inches before I ran into Haley's feet.

"Ow!" she yelped. "Back off. Get out! There isn't room for two!"

"They came in-"

A howl of disappointment echoed up to us. I started pulling myself up further, to stretch over the top of Haley, banging into her shoulder in the process.

Haley screeched.

Above her a square of light appeared, framing the angry face of none other than one Agnes Chandler, my newly acquired skip.


	14. Chapter 13: Out of the Frying Pan

Disclaimer: No, I am not Janet Evanovich. Yes, Stephanie Plum and co are her property. No, I don't plan on making a profit from this bit of madness. This is just to amuse myself and hopefully others as well.

Note: Thanks to everyone for all the support and feedback! It is so very appreciated.

B.G.L.I: No offense taken! :) I'm glad if you like this one too. I know it's a lot different, so I figured a few people would hate it. It's much more in keeping with the books, which some people prefer but others don't. I could put Caribbean Blue up now since the two stories have nothing to do with one another... and also thankyou! You definiitely know the compliments to make a writer go all pink. lol

Chapter 13

Agnes's beady dark eyes narrowed and a cruel smile twisted her thin mouth, emphasizing the frown lines. Funny, she'd looked a lot more pleasant in her photo. She took a deep breath and started to bellow.

"The coal-" she broke off mid shriek with an oddly surprised look as my arm shot up at her. I connected with her temple as hard as I could, which wasn't that much due to the awkward angle, but it was effective. She didn't even have time to move away before she keeled over sideways.

"It worked…" Haley sounded as surprised as Agnes. "Huh. I didn't think it would."

Without bothering to waste breath on figuring out what she had done that worked so surprisingly well we both resumed our efforts to scramble out of the rat hole.

The other biddies were still screaming in the basement, but that couldn't last too much longer. They'd have to find our escape route in a few moments.

We tumbled out on top of one another into a graceless and painful tangle of arms and legs. Haley had kept her bad shoulder from hitting the ground but it was bleeding freely now, slowly staining her blue shirt an ominous scarlet.

It took us longer than it should have to coerce our battered bodies to get themselves upright, but I took the time to scout our surroundings. Maybe I was finally learning something from Ranger. Let's hear it for osmosis, folks.

We were both leaning against the clapboard wall of a dejected looking house situated, as far as I could tell, in the middle of nowhere. Woods were all around, slowly creeping into the sizeable but neglected yard. I nearly fainted when I spotted a possible ticket to freedom sitting not three yards away from us.

An ancient white Oldsmobile of ginormous proportions, with a dinged up front bumper. None other than the car that had nailed us earlier today… if it was still today. I looked up at the sky as if expecting divine guidance on the matter. None was forthcoming, but there were more clouds building up, darkening the sky to an ominous gray. Lovely, more rain to run through…

I thought I saw Agnes move a little. Shit, time to get moving. I knelt back down and started patting her down. I found a key, but it wasn't to a car- too small. I pocketed it and stood up, grabbing Haley in the process.

My cousin was pale as a ghost and whimpering softly, as if breathing was a painful process. I didn't want to think about all the things that could mean and just pulled her along with me as I headed for the Olds.

I nudged her toward the passenger door and ran for the driver's side. I had slid in when I saw the problem: No keys. I flipped up the arm rests, the floor mats, the visors. I even felt between the seats real quick.

A couple old antacid tablets, but no keys.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck me," I whispered. This couldn't be happening. I had a car, but I didn't know how to hot wire it and I had no keys. I was in the middle of fucking nowhere, my friend was god knew where at the mercy of psycho grannies, and my cousin was possibly suffering from internal injuries…

The rounds of gunfire shook the car. I hit the seat and felt the sharp sting as shattered glass showered down around me. Haley was in a similar position, and her face had gone from white to an unhealthy shade of gray. I didn't even know if that was an improvement or not. Fuck.

I raised my head enough to look over the door. The other two biddies were standing on the corner of the front porch taking pot shots at the passenger side.

"Be good, you little brats or we take you out now!" Mrs. McPherson yelled.

I searched around me desperately for something. Anything. A weapon, a distraction, inspiration, a nuclear warhead…

Something shiny glinted in the ashtray.

I yanked it out, and stared in awe at the object in my hand. An Oldsmobile car key dangling from a 'No. 1 Grandma' key chain. I vowed to go to Mass every Sunday for a month and maneuvered myself around to get the keys into the ignition.

Keeping my head as low as I could as the shrieking biddies and their Annie Oakley rifles really got into the new game, I turned on the engine, punched the gas and threw the thing into drive. It roared off like an angry beast, all eight cylinders jumping to life. I cranked it around as hard as I could and followed the dirt driveway out of range, keeping the gas pedal on the floor.

The back window shattered. I was pretty sure we had at least one tire out, maybe two. There was a strange thumping as we gathered speed. Oh god, what if this was they way they'd planned to get rid of us? Get us blown up in one of my stupid car explosions? No one would even think twice, they'd just figure my luck had run out and I'd taken Haley with me.

I was getting hysterical. Don't think about it, just get out of here. Focus on the present, not the what-ifs, I told myself. How to get out of here? The driveway through the woods was the only access as far as I could tell, so it looked like the only way to go.

I didn't see the main road until we were almost on it, so we took the turn on two wheels, shrieking brakes, squealing tires, and one hell of an adrenaline rush. I'm pretty sure it was emotional overload or shock, but I felt myself trying to grin. I looked over to Haley, half expecting her usual conspiratorial laugh, but found her still laying on the seat, still that disturbing shade of gray.

"Haley?"

"Stephie?" she asked weakly. "Got any idea where the hell we are?"

Good question. I looked out the windows. No signs of habitation, no road signs either. Just the pot hole-ridden black top stretching out, twisting through the gentle hills and forest. "Something tells me we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto," I said, going for humor.

Haley made a painful sound that might have been meant as a laugh. "Lula?"

"No idea."

"Car. We gotta leave it. It's gonna die."

I agreed. Something was making a threatening 'clunk' in the front end, and there was something banging around in the back as well. But I wasn't going to get far on my feet and I wasn't even sure Haley could walk. We were so screwed.

The clunking in the front end got louder, and the temperature gauge was climbing toward red. My panic meter followed it closely until I was distracted by the sound of someone yelling. Someone in the trunk.

I threw an arm out to keep Haley from flying into the dash and slammed on the brakes. Sometimes hanging out with Mary Lou had its benefits as well. See, osmosis. It's all about osmosis.

"Stay still," I ordered Haley, pushing her back into the seat as I pulled off to the side.

She inclined her head just a fraction of an inch and I jumped out to check the trunk.

"Let me out of hear you no-lipped cracker granny! You older than dirt! Get me out of here or I'll bust a cap up your ass. I don' care who the fuck you are, granny or not!"

Tears of relief stung my eyes as I started fumbling with the trunk latch. "Lula!" I yelled. "It's me, Steph. Don't come out swinging ok?"

"Bout damned time!" She screamed back as the trunk popped open. Lula was tied hand and foot, wrapped up in a lurid pink and blue flowered sheet that had last been trendy circa 1973.

"Get me loose and lets get the hell outta here."

I pulled the sheet away from her and started working on the infernal knots. It was easier going this time, what with there being light and all, so it didn't take so long. Or maybe it did, time was starting to be something of a mystery to me just then.

"Haley's hurt bad, I think," I told her as I worked. "This car is almost dead. We're gonna have to walk it, but she can't walk, I'm not sure how far I can get… there was another car at that house. They'll be right behind us. So we have to do something."

"Where are we anyway?" she asked as I finally finished the knots .

"I have no clue. There's no road signs, no houses, nothing. It's just forest and road."

"Shee-it. We're screwed," Lula sighed.

"Probably."

We took a moment to look around our surroundings. There had to be something.

"So we get off the road, follow the road but stay in the brush? Like in The Lord of the Rings. That's what Frodo and them did. You know when those grim reaper things were chasin' them…"

I looked at Lula in her Via Spigas and green spandex. "Your shoes aren't gonna survive."

"Better them than me."

I nodded. "What about Haley?" Lula shrugged.

"She's tough," she said. I winced, having nothing better I could suggest.

"Let's go. Bring the sheet."

I nearly cried again when I saw Haley pull herself out of the car, relying heavily on the door for support. She was more white than gray now, which I found a little encouraging. The gray made her look like a corpse.

"Hey, Lula. Having fun yet?" she asked with a weak attempt at a smile.

"Oh yeah. I live for this shit. Only way it'd be better is if there was a third world country needed saving." Lula grabbed Haley's hand, and I took up a post on her other side.

Together we negotiated the ditch and set off into the forest as the sun lowered toward the horizon. I could hear the Wizard of Oz soundtrack playing in the back of my head: _Lions and tigers and bears, oh my…_


	15. Chapter 14: A Call for Help

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Disclaimer: Ah hell. You still want one? Fine, fine. I am not Janet Evanovich. I am not making money on this. And don't even think about trying to sue me. I'm a college kid with a research paper, pms, and feuding friends. My sanity wouldn't stand up in court. In fact, now that you mention it, I wouldn't stand up in court. I'm a strawberry daiquiri cleverly disguising itself as a human.

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Note: Thanks to everyone who has stuck it out this far. I thought I wouldn't get anything out for a week or two but lookit! I had it sitting in the computer already, except for parts of it, which I kicked and beat out of my imagination until they were almost presentable.

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Chapter 14 - Call for Help

The woods were quiet, except for the sounds of the wind rustling the leaves or the occasional song from whatever birds were around. I really wished I had paid more attention back in my girl scout days- maybe I could have figured out where we were from the species of trees or birds or something. As it was we picked our way through the underbrush slowly, hampered by the increasing darkness as the sun slowly set.

We were all three sporting massive bruises and a variety of cuts from the car wreck; adding in the host of scratches and the splashing of mud from our escape through the woods, we looked like Bosnian refugees. Lula and I were supporting Haley between us, and other than Lula's muttered cursing of the mud, the evil grannies, and her Via Spigas, we weren't much for talking. Her lime green outfit was becoming a bit less blinding from the amount of mud and muck smeared over it. Blood too, but I was pretty sure most of that was Haley's.

I looked at my baby cousin and felt the panic rising up again. Haley was too pale, and the bandage we had made from the lurid flowered sheet didn't help her complexion any. I was pretty sure her top had once been a light blue. It was now reduced to various shades of dirt and blood. Her hair was a matted ball of frizz, and since we have the same hair I was thankful I didn't have a mirror. Just the look of my jeans and shirt told me I looked as rough as the other two.

I was a little surprised none of us had gone into shock, but then I didn't think we had that luxury. Maybe once we stopped and actually thought about what had happened- right now we had to keep moving or the little old ladies with guns and tranquilizers were going to find us.

We were trying to maintain a course parallel to the road, but out of sight from it. That sounds a lot easier than it is, because to be sure they can't see you, you can't see them. Periodically I would leave Haley and Lula to try and scout for the road. We'd almost lost it once already when the road had turned while we weren't looking.

I wasn't sure how far we'd made it, but I was sure it wasn't far enough. We hadn't spoken much since we set off into the woods, it was taking too much energy to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but there was a major problem confronting us: what were we going to do when it got too dark to see?

The sun was sinking too damn fast, and the woods were thick enough that it was a little gloomy during the day. I was beginning to think we weren't in just any woods, either. We were either in the back end of nowhere or a national park.

"I'd sell my soul for a cell phone right now." I sighed to the world in general, looking up into the canopy of trees above to give the powers that be an added hint.

"With service," Lula added. "Don't forget with service. And maybe a McDonald's too."

"Don't mention food please." Haley's voice was barely louder than a whisper, probably as loud as she could manage. Her steps faltered and she whimpered as she bumped into Lula. "Can we stop? Just for a little while? I need to catch my breath."

I looked at her again. She was breathing heavily, like we'd been running. That worried me. I looked at Lula for her opinion.

"Yeah. A few minutes couldn't hurt. We ain't heard them psychos this whole time. Maybe they gave up."

Right. Maybe. Except that I knew my luck. My luck was never that good. Unfortunately, from the looks of Haley we couldn't really keep going on right now. And it was getting too dark to see anyway.

"Fine," I said, and we set about finding somewhere moderately comfortable to sit down. It took a while, and we looked more like the little old ladies chasing us than any young, spry, under-fifty-year-olds, but we managed to ease our beaten bodies into sitting positions. Haley elected to lay flat on the ground because she said it made breathing easier. I bit my lip at that one, because I was pretty sure she was hurt badly, and we had neither the know-how, nor the equipment to do anything for her.

"Hey!" she grumbled, interrupting the fine lather of panic I was working myself into. "There's something lumpy…"

"You're on the ground, in the middle of a forest. It ain't gonna be the Hilton," Lula grumbled.

"No, I mean…" she sat up a little, propping herself up on one elbow while she rifled through her cargo pockets with her free hand. "Oh my god! My cell phone!" she chirped, pulling out a small bit of plastic that looked more like a toy candy dispenser than an actual working device.

"Holy shit!" I moved faster than I thought possible to get closer and inspect the treasure.

"I'll be damned," Lula breathed. "Looks like they was listenin' after all… you got service, too?" she asked.

We were all staring at the phone like it had traveled a direct line from god's headset. Haley pressed the power button with a reverence normally seen only in movies about the Holy Grail.

"Yeah," she said wonderingly. "I forgot the guys made me take a satellite phone. I'm tripling their Christmas presents…"As if sealing the deal the phone sang out a happy little ditty. "Thirteen voicemails?"

"Fuck the voice mail," Lula looked ready to grab the phone herself. "Call Batman."

"Hold on… I'm looking… Cyclops, Beast, Gambit, Daredevil…"

"What's with you white girls and the super heroes? That a phone or a direct line to the X-Men?" Lula's eyebrows were somewhere by her hairline. I had to agree.

"I didn't make 'em all up. They're guys. They all have nicknames… Wolf, Puck, Iceman, Goliath… hah! Batman!" She punched a button and held the phone out to me.

I took it, a moment before everything registered with me. "You have Ranger's number?" I asked in disbelief, holding the phone to my ear nervously. I was afraid it wouldn't go through, or I'd turn it wrong and lose the signal.

"Duh." Haley said and lowered herself back to the ground.

I couldn't ask anything more because Ranger picked up on the first ring.

"Yo."

I choked back a sob of relief. I never thought I'd be that glad to hear his voice. "Yo yourself," I said as evenly as I could.

"Babe? Are you okay?"

Geez Ranger, start with the hard questions… "Not really." I paused, trying to sort out the story in my head. "We had an accident. The Firebird's gone, and we were trying to get help when the old ladies came and they stunned us. Now we're out in the middle of some forest and there's no one here."

"Stephanie," Ranger's voice was calm, slow, the kind he used when he thought I was going into panic mode. "Are any of you hurt?"

"Haley," I answered quickly, just knowing somehow the gods of cellular were going to pull the plug and whatever satellite was up there was probably about to fall out of orbit or get kidnapped by space age grannies. "We can't go much further, she can't breathe, we're in the woods! Lula's in Via Spigas for chrissake, and we're running from grandmas with guns! "

"Grandmas?"

"Haley's great aunts. They were there. And so is my skip, the old lady one. Agnes. I think she hit us in the Oldsmobile…"

"We got a lock on your signal," he interrupted. "Just stay there. You need to-"

"We've got you, my pretties!" a high pitched voice cackled. A bright light flashed me right in the eyes and I ducked my head to escape it just as the gunfire broke out. I doubled over and rolled into a nearby bush, conveniently situated at the foot of the tree.


	16. Chapter 15: Big Bad Grannies and Wolf in...

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Disclaimer: This series and its characters don't belong to me, but they're fun to play with. Janet Evanovich created them, and she can have them back when I'm through. Oh yeah, and I'm not making any money off this.

Note: Thanks to everyone for all the helpful feedback, the reviews, the support, etc. It's all greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!

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Chapter 15 - The Big Bad Grannies and Wolf in Boots

I really should learn to listen to that niggling premonition of doom. Until then I guess I'm going to have to do what I'm learning to do best: duck, cover, and run like hell. Only one problem with that strategy just now: I'm in no condition to run like anything.

"Really, Agnes. Enough melodrama!" Hattie sniped.

"Oh, pish. Just because you have no sense of the theatrical! Besides, gang killings are always theatrical! We need some sort of ceremonial element."

"Just shut up both of you and find them," Mrs. McPherson's voice sounded strained. I wondered if her eye was twitching.

"I already got the Negro!" I heard the sick triumph in Hattie's voice. "If you two could have aimed right…" Oh, god. Lula… I was going to be sick.

"We did aim right. We didn't have long enough to shoot! We could have used some more light, you know."

"Quiet!" this voice was overpoweringly male: deep and gruff, with a pronounced Southern drawl. Still, it was an impressive kind of voice, it made me think of danger, like it was from a bad guy in some old western. In other words, the Grannies were in league with the Big Bad Wolf. "You keep talking and they'll be able to hide better. Listen for once in your lives."

"Well I nev-" Apparently someone clapped something over Hattie's mouth to keep her quiet. I curled myself tighter and pressed my back against the tree.

"Now," the guy said quietly. "They didn't run… they're around here somewhere. Baby's too hurt to get out of here… and the other one's not much better. Check the bushes." The noise and clatter began almost immediately. They were rustling the bushes, slapping at them with the guns.

They were moving closer. A few feet in front of me, whoever it was stopped. I caught a glimpse of muddy Dr. Scholls loafers as the person picked up something beyond my reach. The unmistakable button tones, a green light as a LCD lit up. Fuck. The phone! I bit my lip and forced myself to stay still. I could take the old biddy if I knew where the other ones were. If I knew they didn't have a clear shot at me…

But I didn't know either of those things. So, jump out and get shot or see if they came any closer? I held myself in place, barely moving, trying to keep myself from even breathing too loudly.

"What is it, Auntie?" The man asked.

"One of those newfangled toys," Agnes's scratchy voice actually did sound like the Wicked Witch of the West. Creepy. "Here, see what it's about then." There was the sound of heavy footsteps and a large pair of snakeskin leather cowboy boots appeared to my left.

"Looks like Baby called her hero…" His voice was quiet and mocking. It made me want to knock him over the head with something heavy. "Come on out, Haley Jane!" He yelled loudly. "You know they can't help you now. No one can, just come on out and we'll make it quick!"

The biddies were beating the bushes again, but they were moving away from my position. I peeked back out, into the blackness of the forest. I saw their flashlights retreating, but couldn't tell where Haley had disappeared to or even where Lula was.

"Stupid Negro, I just wish I could have-" Hattie broke off in a startled scream

"You stupid granny. I just wish I could wring yo' stupid neck!" Lula's triumphant yell echoed off the trees. I peered out of the bush to see what was going on. Lula and Hattie were silhouetted at the edge of the clearing, scuffling over the gun. Of course Lula was winning, she had more bulk, more strength, and she was _mad._ "Just 'cause someone be bloody don't mean you hit 'em dummy!" I heard a couple more shot gun blasts, and tried not to throw up.

The other ones were running back to help Hattie, so I stayed still- they had to run right past me. Wolf-In-Boots ran by first, then the muddy Dr. Sholl's. My target had arrived. I snaked my arm out into the shoes' path and was rewarded by a scream as the runner fell face first, throwing her gun away and attempting to catch herself. Unfortunately, it was dark enough that the lady following her didn't realize what was going on until it was too late, and Mrs. McPherson joined Agnes in a pile of polyester and pink velour, landing with her gun thoughtfully close to me. I grabbed it and stood up, training it down at the shrieking pair in front of me.

The other gun was on the opposite side of them, so I sidled around the duo, who were now fighting like a pair of alley cats and took control of it too. I stepped away from Agnes and Mrs. McPherson so I wouldn't get tripped up by any of their bony reaching hands. A quick look to the right revealed that Wolf-In-Boots was attempting to subdue Lula and pry her off of Hattie. My eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Get away from her!" I yelled at him. "Get away or I plug one of the hags!"

"Who you calling hag you little floozy?" Demanded one of the still-struggling duo.

"You calling me a floozy you jezebel?" The other one demanded.

"Jezebel?" There was a screech from one of them, and they continued on with the cat fight. If I were guessing, I would have said this was years of repression just boiling over, and it looked vicious.

"Don't do anything stupid, Ms. Plum," Wolf drawled.

"Go to hell, and get away from my friend!" Wolf stepped away from Lula, who held her own rifle on the still shadow I guessed to be Hattie. "Now, we have the guns, and you need to leave. Someone is coming to get us, and they'll be here in a couple minutes."

Wolf threw his head back and laughed at me. "Right. I know Haley's stupid phone book- Batman is in St. Louis. He's hours away." He grinned and started walking toward me, the cowboy boots crunching the sticks and debris on the ground into dust as he walked. "And you don't shoot people, do you, Curly Sue?"

"I have," I said. "Now keep away or I kill the grannies." I clicked the safety off and lowered the gun again, aiming back at the two fighting alley cats. Wolf stopped where he was.

"Ain't much light left," he said conversationally.

"Enough to shoot you by." He laughed again, but I ignored it.

"A million dollars. That's how much I'll give you. Just put the gun down and it's yours. You'll never have to work again, curls."

"Put the gun down and let you kill Lula? I don't think so."

"Your fat friend can live. We don't need her, she wasn't even supposed to be a part of this."

"Who you callin' fat you bony-ass cracker?" Lula growled.

"No offense, lady," Wolf said smoothly. "We could give you both a million. Think about it. Just put the guns down and run away. Tell the cops the Slayers caught you. Pretend you never saw us."

"That's a lot of money to give us just for lyin' to the cops. 'Specially when you was gonna kill us anyways," Lula snorted.

"We didn't want to," Hattie put in. "Killing is so messy. But if we just pay you, that's much easier on everyone! Isn't that right Agnes? Agnes?" Hattie struggled in the choke hold Lula had her in, but her eyes were narrowed in annoyance as she finally saw the other two. "God damn it! Agnes, Gertie! Quit acting like a couple street urchins!"

"Shut up," Lula told her.

"Gertrude! We don't have time for-" Lula tightened her grip.

"I don't wanna kill nobody's grandma, but you need to quit screeching. You're givin' me a headache."

"Why are you doing this? What is this about?" I asked Wolf, trying to keep my eyes on Agnes and Mrs. McPherson, who had rolled several feet away, still screaming and cursing one another. Damn, forget years of bitterness, those two had decades of it. They weren't even using English anymore, mainly the cursing was going on in something that sounded suspiciously like German.

"Just tell them the Slayers caught you," Wolf said with a shrug. I could barely make out his tall, hulking form now. "Say they must have thought your cousin was you."

"Haley? What do you want with her?"

"Mind your own business," screeched Hattie. "Shawn, just kill them! They won't help us get the money! Kill them!"

"I hate killin' family, Granny. And the black lady ain't done us no harm." Wolf, Shawn now, sounded regretful.

"You're going to kill Haley," I said, feeling like I'd stumbled into a bad Lifetime movie.

"It's the only way we get the farm!" this came from Agnes, who was sitting up now. Mrs. McPherson wasn't moving. "Is she dead?" I asked Agnes. She looked down at her opponent.

"Do I care?" Agnes retorted. "My god damned back-stabbing sister… do I care if she's dead. I hope so. I hope so," she scowled at the other lady and spit on her. I shivered, feeling suddenly warm and fuzzy toward my own sister.

"You gonna kill somebody for a farm?" Lula was clearly stumped. So was I, for that matter. Somehow killing someone for a few cows and chickens, maybe a field and some corn didn't sound like a good idea. Didn't sound like it was worth the trouble, even.

"No, they aren't." Haley's voice was surprisingly strong as she stood up from wherever she'd been hiding. I almost couldn't see her as she leaned back against the tree.

"I was wondering if you weren't already dead, cous," Shawn said slowly.

"Not yet… why didn't you just ask me, Shawn? I would have split it with you in a heartbeat…"

"I did ask you, damn it. You're just like the others, no way were you going to-"

"When? When did you ask me?"

"Granny asked you last year!"

"No, she didn't," Haley's voice was weakening.

"Don't fucking lie, Baby," Shawn hissed. He took a step toward her. "You aren't getting away this time. We got cheated out of what's ours before, but by god I'm taking it back." He lunged for her.

I swung my gun up to aim it, but it was useless in the dark. I could barely tell where everyone was, let alone who was who as he crashed toward her. Too dark to tell where Shawn or Haley ended, to tell which shadow was a person or which was a tree…

Another gunshot echoed through the clearing.

A large shape fell away from the tree Haley had been leaning against. Someone started screaming. I took a step forward, but something barreled into me from behind. I twisted to keep from landing on the gun, and fell onto my shoulder, hard. My finger squeezed the trigger and the gun fired a split second before it went spinning out of my hand and something hard nailed me across the temple.


	17. Chapter 16: Conclusion

Disclaimer: JE owns the Stephanie Plum universe, and I am borrowing her creations for my own amusement and nothing more. I am making no profits off of this little escapade, but I hope everyone enjoys it anyway.

Note: Thank you again to everyone for reading this, and for all the lovely wonderful feedback! I appreciate it very, very much. And I have no clue how rural Pennsylvania law enforcement works. I am assuming they have sheriffs, but if they don't pretend they do.

Also, Caribbean Blue (the island plot I keep getting asked about) will be started again in a day or so. It's set up as the sequel to this.

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Chapter 16 - Conclusions

I waited a few seconds for the usual fade to black but it didn't come. I was thankful at first until the dizziness hit me full force along with a powerful punch of nausea. My whole body was screaming in protest and I wasn't even moving. Probably not a good sign. I felt like I was being crushed underneath something, also not a positive feeling. I struggled a little but the weight wasn't going away. Maybe it was really that heavy, but I had a feeling it was more like I was just that weak. At least I was still alive. I was wet, cold, nauseous, filthy, and generally miserable, so that definitely meant I had to be alive.

I gave up trying to get myself extricated, intending to just rest for a moment. Everything hurt, which was distracting because bits of me were in pain that I didn't even know could sense pain. It seemed like just a few seconds went by before the weight eased off of me. Ah, that was much better. Now, if people would just quit whispering. I was beginning to wonder if someone wasn't playing with the volume on a radio; I was catching bits of sounds and then nothing. I told them to stop it.

"Snap out of it, white girl!" Leave it to Lula to come in loud and clear. Her bedraggled silhouette loomed over me and I sort of became aware that she was shaking my shoulders. Hmph, see if I buy her any more Krispy Kremes.

"Stop it, stop it!" I whined. She shook her head, but at least she released me. I turned my head a little, mainly to make sure it was still attached. It was, but after catching a glimpse of what was beside me, even in the fading light, I almost wish it hadn't been.

Agnes' body was beside me, a neat round hole in the middle of her forehead. The urge to throw up rolled over me again, and I closed my eyes to escape from what I'd just done.

"Relax white girl, I got the old broad," Lula announced happily, startling me out of my zone. "That's for them killin' my baby. You done shot yourself a tree, near as I can tell."

"Haley?" I asked once I was sure I could open my mouth without my stomach crawling out of it.

"She's going to okay," Ranger's voice said quietly. I frowned convinced I was hallucinating. Nope, the man in black himself was kneeling over me. Not that I could see his face but the outline of his shoulders and the way my insides tightened were a dead giveaway.

"Who was screaming?"

"Mini-Me apparently don't handle it too good when dead cousins land on her." I grimaced in sympathy. Yick. Poor Haley.

"Can you move, Babe?"

I sighed and attempted to sit up. The world tipped at funny angles and my head felt a little heavy, but I managed it. "Yeah, it's not feeling too pretty, but I can move."

Ranger chuckled and put an arm around me, helping me get to my feet. I'm pretty sure if I'd been left on my own I'd have just laid there for a while but the idea of getting to lean against Ranger? It's a powerful motivator.

"Shawn said you were in Saint Louis," I said cautiously as we started moving, very slowly, into the dark.

"He must have been confused." I would have pressed the issue a little but I stumbled on some stupid stick or something and suddenly found myself being carried.

"Hey!"

"Faster this way."

"You're going to hurt yourself."

"Please," he muttered and I could almost hear him roll his eyes.

"Boss, the sheriff's on his way." I looked around to see a couple of the Merry Men melting out of the shadows as we emerged from the woods and onto the road, all of them in full commando gear and sporting night vision goggles. I couldn't tell which one of them had spoken though.

"Bobby says we need to get short stuff to a hospital." A very large shadow stepped around from the back of an SUV parked along the side of the road. Tank, obviously. I don't think anyone else that big can be a convincing shadow.

"I can wait for the sheriff," I volunteered.

"You're going with Haley," Ranger said in a tone of voice that I really didn't feel inclined to argue with. "The sheriff can talk to you there. Les, Cal, and I are going to stay here. Tank, you and Bobby are in charge of the girls."

"Hey, are any of the old ladies still around?" I asked.

"I knocked out the Hattie broad," Lula said, puffing with pride. "I was gonna shoot her on account of her trying to shoot me but I figure we need someone to get convicted."

Ranger was depositing me into the back of one of the SUV's. Tank was climbing into the driver seat, making even this monstrosity seem a little small. It must suck to be that big, you'd never fit in a sports car. Lula had taken the passenger seat, while Haley and Bobby were in the back with me. It felt a little claustrophobic to say the least.

"Ranger, can I-"

"No," he said gently. "Help Bobby. I'll see you soon." He caressed my cheek gently and pulled me closer for the briefest moment. "Proud of you, Babe," he whispered. My hormones shot into defcom five and by the time I was fully functional again, we were on the road. I turned my admittedly fuzzy attention to my cousin. The urge to throw up reared its ugly head almost immediately.

Haley was covered in blood, and it was impossibly to tell how much of it was hers. Her shirt had been pretty much soaked earlier, but now it was coating her head to waist. Bobby was trying to get a sensible answer out of her, but she was more concerned with getting the blood off her face and hyperventilating. I couldn't blame her; if my dead cousin just fell on top of me, I'd have probably not been in a great state of mind either. Maybe better just distract her.

"Hey, Haley," I said quietly, but got little response. "Haley," I tried again. This time she turned to look at me, eyes still wide and panicked. "Why were they out to kill you?" She blinked rapidly while her brain processed the question, which after the last twenty-four hours I could understand running a little slow.

When she finally spoke, she did so slowly. "The farm. Great grandpa left his part to Grandpa, and that goes to me eventually unless I die."

"We got that much. What's so big about the farm?" The panic was draining away now, and she focused on the answers to the questions.

"It's the richest oil field in the Midwest. Which means it isn't like Texas size or anything, but it's not like it's just nickel and dimes either. And since the whole problems in the Middle East have started, the government and oil companies are redeveloping interest in domestic reserves. So even though it's not the greatest farmland, it's also suddenly much more valuable for its oil." The hyperventilating had stopped although her breathing was still shallow but it had been like that all day. Good enough for me. Apparently Bobby had caught on to my idea and he kept up the line of questions.

"Why didn't they just talk to your Grandpa?" he asked her.

"Grandpa and them had some big fight forever ago, I think back when their mom died, and they don't approve of my grandma, so he doesn't talk to them…" She was doing better so I turned to look out the window at the pitch black nothingness beyond.

I just wanted to get to the hospital and get this over with. It was taking all of my self-control not to ask the dreaded question 'Are we there yet?' and I was only holding back because I didn't want to push Tank. He might still be all juiced up from shooting people and throw me out the window.

"Almost there, Bombshell," Tank said, looking at me in the rearview mirror. Damned ESP. I closed my eyes and focused on taking deep, calming breaths like they tell you to do in meditation. I can't actually do meditation, usually I just get bored and watch Ghostbusters, but desperate times, you know.

"Steph, just don't barf on me, okay?" Haley half-whimpered. I sent a Look, but she just blinked at me. I guess the rolling stomach must have been audible. Oh well. I kept my mouth shut just in case, anyway. The last few minutes were passed in unremarkable silence.

But as soon as we rolled to a stop outside the ER I was out of the car, hitting the pavement and emptying my already empty stomach. God, is there anything actually worse than dry heaves? I didn't think so.

Tank handed me a tissue and walked me into the hospital. I have to admit seeing the nurses' faces when we walked in helped the cost of admission a little. Some poor, unsuspecting candy striper almost passed out at the sight of the blood covering Haley. As it was we got about three steps before they pulled out the gurneys, wheelchairs, and the IV's. Guess we really did resemble the walking dead.

They had already wheeled me into an examination room and a very efficient middle aged nurse was helping me off with the rags formerly known as my clothes before I realized I still didn't know where in the hell I was. I debated the wisdom of asking her for a moment, visions of psychiatrists dancing in my head.. Nope, I could wait until one of the guys reappeared.

"Ms. Thorne, Ms. Plum, Ms… Ah… Lula?" I looked at the man standing in the doorway. He was tall, lanky, wearing jeans and a polo shirt, thinning gray hair, but he had a badge hanging on his belt. The Sheriff. I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed, I'd hoped for a more Western look. "I'm Sheriff Roberts," he smiled. Huh, he looked a lot younger that way. "I need to ask you a few questions, separately."

"Sheriff," Haley smiled a happily dazed little smile as she spoke the word. They had her on enough pain medication she probably thought he _was_ a cowboy. Lula, meanwhile, just looked uncomfortable. I guessed her allergy to cops extended to sheriffs as well.

"Yeah?" she finally managed. I didn't have a chance to get out a greeting, as the middle-aged nurse took that moment to sweep into the room from wherever she was.

"Dwayne Roberts!" She fixed Sheriff Roberts with a glare a Burg mother would have envied. "These young ladies have had quite enough. You aren't going to badger them." Sheriff Roberts shifted uncomfortably, but finally ducked his head in surrender.

"Well, your friends already helped out enough, I reckon. Ain't no need of going over all the grizzly details again. Family affairs is private matters anyway. Sounds like yours was quite a to-do, Ms. Thorne."

"Eh, it wasn't Hatfields and McCoys, yet." Her Midwestern drawl was more pronounced than usual. I looked between her and the sheriff, who had his own oddly rural accent and seemed to subtly relax a little. He gave a sympathetic nod at Haley's words.

"It's always a pity though, miss."

"What's happened to Hattie?" I asked him. Roberts flipped through his notebook.

"She's being taken into custody, Ms. Plum. She won't be released for a very long time, so don't you worry about that," he said in a reassuring voice. "Judge Casey don't hold with people tryin' to kill kin over money. You all focus on getting better now." He rocked back on his heels and tore the page out of his notebook. "Take care, ladies. Thank you for your cooperation." The nurse followed him out, grumbling about bothering sick ladies.

I blinked hard and wondered if I hadn't just hit my head somewhere. "That's it?" I asked in disbelief. "There were what, three dead people?"

"One crazy old lady, two dead crazy old ladies, and one dead hick," Lula ticked it off on her fingers. Haley looked at us, apparently not following the train of thought.

"Shouldn't there be more questions?" I asked.

"Self defense," Haley pointed out. "'sides, dollars to donuts Sheriff Roberts writes Shawn and Aunt Agnes as huntin' accidents." She giggled at the idea and I let it go.

" The judge don't hold with killin' kin…. This is some Walton's Mountain shit isn't it? We landed ourselves in Mayberry." Lula sighed and lay back in the bed. Haley giggled more.

"Too bad it isn't the Dukes of Hazzard. I always liked the General Lee." She frowned and rubbed her neck where bruises were already forming the imprint of Shawn's handiwork. "My throat hurts. I want ice cream." When your train of thought operates like a pinball machine… you know you're on pain medication.

"Did someone say ice cream?" Tank's head poked into the room, and he was grinning from ear to ear. He held up a couple bags with what looked suspiciously like ice cream cartons in them. Must have smuggled them past the nurses. Then again, if I was a nurse and saw someone like Tank, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to be the one to stop him. He was still in black, and there was a suspiciously gun-shaped bulge under his coat.

"Chocolate chip cookie dough. Oh please, please say chocolate chip cookie dough?" Haley pleaded.

"Of course," Tank chuckled, and ambled over to hand her the item in question. She seized it and looked up at him with big, adoring puppy eyes.

"I love you, Tank." He just laughed and ruffled her hair.

"You love everyone right now, Shorty."

"Hell yes," she told him seriously. "There isn't enough love in the world… or chocolate chip cookie dough. That could help it a lot," she added as she dug into the ice cream. Tank shook his head and glanced at the rest of us.

"You guys are looking better," he remarked. I had to agree, even if I had threatened to die of embarrassment at getting a sponge bath. It still felt good to be clean. He handed out the rest of the ice cream and spoons. I could have kissed him.

"When do we get out of here?" I asked instead as I pried the lid off my Chunky Monkey. I took one bite and sighed in pleasure. All would yet be right with the world, I decided.

"An hour or so, to get the paperwork in order," Bobby said as he took a seat in the chair between my bed and Haley's. I'd completely missed him entering. Oops. Darn you, Ben and Jerry, now I'll have to get lectured again.

"So how did you guys get here so fast anyway?" I asked between mouthfuls of ice cream. "And what was all that about St. Louis?" Surprisingly it was Haley who answered me.

"Shawn thought Batman was for Dom, probably," she said, looking thoughtful. "Because I know that Ranger's not supposed to be visiting the St. Louis office for a few weeks." I blinked and stared at her. How in the hell did she even know there was a RangeMan in St. Louis, let alone Ranger's schedule? Another mystery for another day. "Still, we're probably nowhere near Trenton…"

"Pennsylvania, as a matter of fact," Bobby grinned.

"I would bet one of us has a tracker on her somewhere," Haley sounded vaguely annoyed.

"Your phone," Bobby produced the tiny piece of silver plastic. "As long as it's on it can be traced if you know how, but it was only giving us a general area until you called."

"I'm going to shoot one of them," Haley said solemnly as she accepted the small silver flip phone from him. .

"Hey, what happened to peace, love, and chocolate?" Tank grinned. Haley glared at him.

"That was until I realized the level of paranoia I have to deal with." A familiar thrill ran down my spine and I looked back at the door in time to see Ranger walk through, followed by Lester.

"It's not paranoia if it's right, kiddo," he told her. Haley rolled her eyes, but she didn't argue.

"What's the damage report?" Les asked.

"I've got some gorgeous bruises and a concussion," I told him.

"Just some cuts and bruises," Lula added. Haley remained silent.

"And you?" Bobby prompted.

"Bruised ribs, bruised everything else, stitches for the gunshot wound, and a very long lecture about taking iron pills and eating better." She dug back into the ice cream.

"At least you get to sleep sometime soon," I grumbled. She flashed me a grin, and I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Children. Do I have to separate you?" Bobby asked.

"They're too beat up to do much damage to each other," Lester said thoughtfully, sizing both of us up.

"Huh. Bet we could damage you," Haley said defiantly. This got laughs from all the guys.

"I'll let that go since you're on medication and all." He was grinning now.

While Haley and Lula both got into a discussion about their odds against the guys, I was distracted by the gravitational pull of Ranger approaching me. I turned as he sat on the edge of my bed and leaned toward me. I swear every nerve ending in my body had woken up, along with every single hormone when my eyes met his. His lips tilted up in a half smile, and he cupped my cheek in his hand.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly.

"Yeah." I would have said something a little more eloquent but I was working around the knot rapidly forming in my throat. Looking to his dark eyes, I was in immediate danger of crying.

"You know, I could help you stay awake…" His smile was wicked and was enough to send most females into a state. I blinked at him for a moment, then smiled back.

"As long as it doesn't involve running." His eyes glittered in amusement.

"No running." The look he was giving me was pure heat and it sent the last of my common sense sailing out the window.

"Well, I guess I accept your offer then," I said quietly. For a split second Ranger looked surprised. Then his lips touched mine and I forgot everything else except that I had Ranger and a bed to work with.

Unfortunately the catcalls dragged us apart. Ranger was smiling though.

"Later, Babe," he whispered before he turned a glare on his A-Team.

"Excuse me," a young woman said from the doorway. "But I have your release papers."

Thank Krispy Kreme. Time to go home, and let Ranger keep me up all night…

The End


End file.
